Monologue in AFOG

I conduct monthly meetings for various marginalized groups in our community. This is the outline for the meeting I did for our discussion on domestic abuse/violence. Links for our community engagement guests and printouts are included. Feel free to use this outline and adjust as needed. I find it helpful to include other organizations with expertise on these subjects in meetings when possible. I have worked to provide links to all of the sources. If you find I missed something, let me know. Please and thank you.

Domestic Abuse Community Engagement Outline

This is a difficult conversation and we recognize that it may be triggering for some. These are the spaces you are welcome to go to if you need a moment (name and direct people to safe spaces). Please raise your hand if you are ok being a buddy for someone if they need company. Feel free to grab a volunteer if you need someone to be with you.

We will be providing handouts on how to differentiate between healthy relationships and abusive relationships (direct people to handouts). That is not the main purpose of this meeting today. Our goal is to learn ways that we as a community can recognize abuse and how we can engage with victims and perpetrators. Much of the material is focused on men because it is imperative that they join this conversation, but regardless of gender you should be able to take away something today on how to be an engaged bystander. A lot of the material is applied to sexual assaults as they are common in domestic abuse, but we will not be focusing on sexual assault prevention. The information you learn today can be applied to those situations as well though.

We will be implementing a talking piece. If you hold the talking piece you are the only one talking, but it gives other people permission to listen and listening is the most important work we can do today.

Ted talk

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTvSfeCRxe8

So, at this point we are all probably wondering what we can do in these situations.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ycYPmzisfk

Activity (www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/2012-03/Publications_NSVRC_Booklets_Engaging-Bystanders-in-Sexual-Violence-Prevention.pdf

Begin with a brainstorm about why people don’t get involved in a given situation. Allow the group some thinking time and encourage their answers, but if they need help getting started, here are a few reasons you could suggest:

· It is not my problem

· It is not my job

· It is not my responsibility

· I just don’t want to go there

· I don’t want to make things worse

· I don’t feel safe

· I don’t know what to do or say

· I don’t want to be a snitch

· I don’t get into other people’s business

· I believe in the rights of the individual

Step 2 Brainstorm a list of reasons people DO get involved. Again, let the group develop tier own ideas, but if they need a few ideas, offer a few of these reasons:

· The person involved is someone I care about

· Someone helped ME once

· I didn’t think about it, I just reacted

· I was just doing what I would want someone to do for me

· I knew they were drunk, and I wanted to be sure no one got hurt

Point out that there are multiple good reasons to get involved and multiple good reasons to be cautious-especially when there is a possibility of violence.

5 Steps toward taking action

1. Notice an event

2. Recognize there is a problem

3. Take responsibility for acting

4. Decide how to respond appropriately

5. Respond

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=palCECEOgTM

(Next 2 videos Trigger Warning portrayal of physical and emotional abuse)

Watch Scenario 1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGbX0RqDXs0&list=PLf23ij3xm1O3kB107InRe_-kSWwZhxdpF&index=3&t=0s

Who are the bystanders in this scenario?

Did they:

1. Notice an event

2. Recognize there is a problem

3. Take responsibility for acting

4. Decide how to respond appropriately

5. Respond

What may have prevented other bystanders from taking action?

Who are other bystanders around the victim that may not be portrayed?

Watch Scenario 2

www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRp2ukifEk4

Who are the bystanders in this scenario?

Did they:

1. Notice an event

2. Recognize there is a problem

3. Take responsibility for acting

4. Decide how to respond appropriately

5. Respond

What may have prevented other bystanders from taking action?Who are other bystanders around the victim that may not be portrayed?

Practice the skills we learned

https://nomore.org/learn/bystander-scenarios/

scenario: 1, 5, 6, 7 (coworkers), 8·

Who are in these scenarios· Are there bystanders that could take action?· What type of action can they take· What may be some consequences of those actions?· How can those be mitigated if possible?

Complete quiz

https://www.loveisrespect.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/HWYH-Quiz-final.pdf

Domestic Abuse can feel overwhelming. Hopefully, this discussion helped empower each of us. For those wanting to know ways they can continue to make a difference in their community here are some options.Starting with #1Thing (https://vawnet.org/sites/default/files/assets/files/2018-09/NRCDV_DVAMInfographic-WhatsYourOneThing.pdf)

Domestic violence impacts millions of people each year, but it can be prevented. It requires the collective voice and power of individuals, families, institutions, and systems-each whose “one thing” adds a valuable and powerful component to transforming our communities.

Examples of “one thing”

· Be a caring and consistent adult in the life of a child

· Talk to my loved ones about violence and oppression

· Create a culture of consent in my home

· Speak out when I notice microaggressions

· Write to my legislator and/or newspaper

· Use social media to raise awareness among my peers

· Host a “lunch and learn” at my office on topics related to violence and oppression

· Reach out to women and people of color-led organizations to establish new partnerships

· Lean more about how my workplace policies impact survivors of abuse

· Reach out to my local domestic violence program to learn how I can help

· Ask about anti-violence policies and programs at local schools

· Organize an informational meeting for a community group and invite my local domestic violence program

· Learn how to foster the pets of survivors staying in a shelter

· Consume and share media created by historically oppressed people

· Model self-care at work and home

· Tell someone they matter

· Listen to and validate a survivor of trauma

· Hold my loved ones accountable when they tell a racist/sexist joke

· Share my story (publicly or just with a single trusted loved one)

· Donate money or time to a community-based nonprofit

· Support women and people of color owned businesses in my community

· Be an engaged bystander

Advancing Social Change

Each of our “one things” and collective actions are critical to the story of our movement. While each may be unique and personal, when woven together, they create a strong foundation for the world we imagine. And when our “one things” are put into action, they become concrete steps on the pathway to social change. Building that pathway is an investment we all must make together.

https://www.facebook.com/realmenagainstdomesticviolence/

https://www.loveisrespect.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/Relationship-Spectrum-final.pdf

https://www.loveisrespect.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/HR-Quiz-final.pdf

https://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse/

http://www.thehotline.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2015/05/Hotline-hurtingyourpartner.pdf

https://brighterthansunflowers.com/2015/02/21/resources-on-abuse-in-polyamorous-relationships/

https://bdsmtrainingacademy.com/the-difference-between-bdsm-and-abuse/

https://www.ncsfreedom.org/images/stories/pdfs/Consent%20Counts/CC_Docs_New_011513/Is%20This%20Assault.pdf

https://www.ncsfreedom.org/images/stories/pdfs/Consent%20Counts/CC_Docs_New_011513/Dealing%20with%20Assault.pdf

When my father died, my stepsisters told stories of a man that was kind and compassionate. That came to all the things and supported them. This was a man I never knew. His experiences over time changed him. Even as this occurred the trauma and hurt from our past continued in our own relationship. The loving experiences that they described were not my own. Mine were filled with tension and regrets.

Recent experiences with a partner have made me dwell on this. Metamours come in and meet a person that has changed over time. You watch them interact and dont recognize your partner because in the same time span the hurt is there between you. The toxic behaviors you have built over time constantly challenging your ability to not lash out.

Hopefully the love is still there. That you both want to figure things out. That you work hard to change behaviors and seek therapy if needed. That you both aren’t afraid to change the relationship into a healthy dynamic whatever that may look like.

People change. Not everyone is compatible. So recognizing those limitations may help to transition a relationship.

I read an amazing article tonight that spoke on conduct within the Polyamory community and the need to do better. https://macrogrrrls.wordpress.com/2019/03/14/on-shaming-in-the-polyamorous-community/?fbclid=IwAR2zIzydiaizzK3E-Ht4ac0Ti3-M1S_sbvn4Mih0XIfr71Tq4hXmtKmgBWo

That is a fantastic point, but the part that stood out to me is when the author spoke about breaking. I have rarely heard anyone describe their experience in that way. Polyamory is life changing for many of us. It is also a painful experience. You have to challenge your norms. You have to tear everything you thought about relationships into little pieces and figure out if they even fit together anymore. It is a shedding of ideals that you didn’t know were a weight you carried. Then one day you take this deep breath and can’t believe the metamorphosis and continue your journey of growth. It doesn’t stop. You just have moments of reflection where you see where you came from.

A dear friend of mine came up with the phrase, AFOGers: those who enjoy the pain of growth. For many of us, we live for the moments when we will be bruised, broken or even ripped open. We don’t seek them out, but when they come along they are not frightening in the sense that we will be crushed under them. We do not avoid or run away. We walk into the fray knowing that we will be stronger and wiser on the other side. It doesn’t stop the pain or anguish. It does often give a weird sense of peace though. That this pain is just temporary. We will pass through. We don’t attach ourselves to it. These moments are not failures, but just another opportunity to learn about ourselves and those around us.

This does not happen for everyone. For others Polyamory is just pain, frustration and disappointment. If it wasn’t trans-formative, that’s okay too. Hopefully, you learned about yourself along the way and you are able to heal from the pain as you find your path to your own happiness. There is no shame if your journey is not like others around you.

Polyamory is a journey of self discovery. An adventure that is terrifying and exciting. It leads you down paths that were hidden. Regardless of what your journey looks like, it is rare to find yourself unchanged by the experience.

As many of us begin new relationships we may come to recognize the fragility in which they begin. It takes time to build a relationship. During that development period, those relationships are fragile.  They must be carefully cultivated.  Compassion and kindness are essential for healthy relationships to grow from them. If we wish it to succeed we must be aware of how fragile these connections are.

I have a rule. I am not in a relationship until our first argument. If I don’t know how someone deals with conflict, I don’t know if I want to build something deeper with them. I don’t know if I can trust them with my vulnerabilities. Will they use my insecurities against me when angry? Will they walk away? Will they be willing to listen and hear me?

When conflict comes up with someone new, you haven’t built that trust. You don’t know how that person is going to react. It is easy to fall into a trap of assumptions based on past experience. People are unique though. You can’t determine what that person is thinking or feeling. It’s during this time that emotions are high and our insecurities are in over drive that we must remember kindness and compassion. If you need time, you can always let them know that you need to step away, but please communicate that. It isn’t easy in the moment. It takes practice. Just walking away from a conversation can cause some real harm. Rarely do we handle these situations without causing pain. Don’t fret. Growth doesn’t occur very often without pain. When the conflict is over and emotions have cooled, you will most likely need to work out some things. Set boundaries, adjust expectations, create a foundation for better communication.

Dealing with conflict and being in an abusive relationship are separate. All healthy relationships will still endure conflict and the pain of growth. For information on abuse in Polyamory relationships https://brighterthansunflowers.com/2015/02/21/resources-on-abuse-in-polyamorous-relationships/?fbclid=IwAR3OBbxZHg3kUPABQ9EciQPY9W_zFKzITIs3ur4_8iotVuEc-2nZbuylr08

And don’t forget you have rights https://www.morethantwo.com/relationshipbillofrights.html

The longer I have identified as Polyamourous the more evident couple privilege has become. First, Polyamory is not about couples!! You don’t have to be in a relationship to identify as polyam. It’s a relationship style, a life philosophy, a genetic makeup or whatever makes sense to you. It is not a couples thing and yet even polyam people seem to have difficulty associating Polyamory outside of a relationship.

It can be especially confusing because so many people come into Polyamory as a couple. Hell, I did. It has taken me years to understand what it means to be an individual in a Polyamory relationship. In monogamy, 2 become 1 or something like that. In Polyamory, you create unique connections with other people. One never turns out like the other. You aren’t 2 parts or 3 or however many coming together to make a whole. You are your own person. You can like your own things and not be obligated to like someone else’s. You don’t have to abandon friends and family to become obsessed with all things couple.

My newest pet peeve is that as soon as I mention that I am married, there is the assumption that I am monogamous. Now, I have start discussing partners and avoid stating I am married until after the non-monogamy discussion. Our culture assumes that you are monogamous just as it assumes you are straight. Even with other polyam folks I have been told that there was an assumption that because someone disclosed something to me that my nesting partner would be informed as well, because we are a unit. Or I can be an individual and keep your business to myself. I even stopped using we to discuss my relationships. I may enjoy something with another person, but I no longer feel ok speaking for that other person. This can really throw people off because if I say something it obviously means that it covers everyone in that relationship, right? *sarcasm* They have their own thoughts, their own experiences. Why would I assume that I have the right to make them mine by speaking for them?

Couples often don’t even recognize their privilege. If my nesting partner is admitted into the hospital, will my metamour be allowed to visit? Can my boyfriend be put on my insurance? Who is allowed to the company party? Then you get to the nitty gritty. If one part of the couple is upset with me are they both? If my nesting partner breaks up with someone am I no longer able to be their friend? How much do other people outside of the central couple have a say in the finances? For those trying to navigate those waters I recommend More Than Two’s Secondary Bill of Rights which is hierarchal based, but those of us that are relationship anarchy or equitable polyamorous can still use it as a check yourself opportunity that we are affording our partners these rights.https://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html#bor

I was at our local rope share last night doing some self ties. I don’t consider myself a ropey person and I am definitely a beginner. My dear bunny friend saw me struggling and interrupted her own tie to come over and assist. As soon as I saw her move towards me I asked, “What are you doing?” Her response of course is, “I am going to help”. “Did you ask to help me?” I didn’t want her to do it for me. I wanted to understand the process. In the end it was easier for our communication for her to show me the process and then I repeated it myself. As the conversation continued I stated, “At my house, if you want help you ask for it”. Someone remarked that wasn’t a very nice rule.

The rule at my house is that if you want help than you ask for it. As my children have grown and learned skills, I have have seen where family and friends will watch them struggle and then go and do it for them. This creates codependency. They don’t learn to tie their shoes, they learn to expect others to do it for them. They don’t learn to get snacks for themselves or get their own drinks. Someone will do it for them. Getting dressed, brushing hair, packing clothing, etc. We instituted the rule, ask for help. This allows that person to decide if they need help. It allows them to build skills. If they ask for help, we clarify what type of help is needed. If they are getting dressed and ask for help maybe they can’t open the drawer, maybe they are looking for their favorite shirt and can’t locate it. If someone is showing frustration we check in with them and ask if they need help, but DO NOT go do it for them without checking in with them. Helping does not mean doing something for someone. Repeat, helping is not doing something for someone. You are only creating codependency.

A friend recently broke up and is still in a forum with his ex. This has been difficult as she has posted some personal struggles. He conveyed to me that he wants to run over and help her. Why? She is reaching out to others. They have offered her assistance. She has explained she has a support system around her that she is learning to lean on more. Why would you put yourself as a “white knight” to save her? How does that empower this woman? He talks of her past traumas. Where he sees someone fragile and vulnerable, I hear a strong survivor. Why does he have to be the one to help her? Even if he wants to check in on her, he can allow someone else to assist. Often when I know someone is struggling, I will reach out to others to check in on them. “Hey, do you mind checking in with this person? They are having a rough day.” I don’t want to be the only person that assists them.

I have learned the horror of codependency. I have a partner that struggled with self worth. Every night before bed for years I would tell him how much I loved him and how I thought he was amazing. Sounds great, right? It was over a decade later I saw the damage. He was reliant on me to validate his self worth. He had never found it within himself. He got to such a low point that he began having suicidal thoughts and I asked for him to seek therapy. I had good intentions, but I never let him “tie his own shoes”. I ran over and did it for him. I vowed never to be a codependency monster again. To never again prey upon my partners insecurities so that they relied on me for their self worth. I still find myself falling into those habits, but work hard to recognize them earlier.

I am not saying to not encourage the people around you. If the only way someone feels good about themselves is when you validate it though, be aware of the damage those behaviors are causing. If you find yourself saying, “I am the only person…” check that relationship. You should not be the only person they trust, talk to, feel vulnerable with, ask for help, etc. There are organizations available if they don’t feel they have others in their circle of friends or feel they don’t have friends. Therapy is a much encouraged option when you have a loved one that is struggling.

You can check this site for local therapists https://www.psychologytoday.com/us

If that person continues to rely on you, it’s time to do a real assessment of that relationship. You may think that being the only one for that person is helpful. That without you they won’t have anyone. The truth is that you are doing more damage. Talk to them about your concerns. Encourage them to seek out more help. 2-1-1 is a free, anonymous listening line that partners with the Suicide Prevention Hotline and offers community resources. http://www.211.org/ Make yourself less available. It will get worse most likely before it gets better. If you need to take the difficult, painful decision to leave that relationship. If you hear the words, “if you leave me, I’ll kill myself” that is abuse. Here is a resource for dealing with those situations. https://www.thehotline.org/2014/08/21/when-your-partner-threatens-suicide/

Empower the people around you. Don’t create a situation where you become a codependcy monster. Create relationships that are healthy where you all are able to feel loved and worthy of love.

I was in a conversation with someone that came to me asking for advice to find a partner. I started discussing the importance of knowing yourself which they quickly dismissed as pseudo philosophies. They were confused with loving yourself (which is a different monologue) and knowing yourself. Everyone wants to jump into a relationship (raises hand guiltily) without developing skills and an understanding of themselves in order to create those relationships in a healthy way.

My polycule has a saying, “I’m sorry I learned at your expense”. We have come to recognize that in order to grow we have to make mistakes. Those “failures” or my preferred “opportunities for growth” have a cost. We may cause hurt and even harm to those we care about during this process. Taking the time to develop healthy relationship skills such as effective communication, conflict resolution and how/when to apologize can mean the difference between you throwing your hands up in failure that “relationships suck and fuck it you don’t need anyone anyway” and instead “this was a rewarding experience”.

There is a reason that many Polyamory sites have beginner guides discussing how to develop these skills. Just in case you want those resources on how to develop those skills here you go!!!

The 5 love languages changed everything for me. I highly recommend taking the love languages quiz and apology language quiz. Think about how you give love or apologize, but also look at how you prefer others give love and apologies to you. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/

Polyamory Weekly is a fun podcast, but my favorite resource is their online class Kicking Poly Drama on its Ass. It consists of 5 modules: What is Drama?, Know Thyself, Communicate Early and Often, Own Your Shit and Dealing with Conflict. It’s $70 for individuals which is honestly way too expensive in my opinion, but I haven’t found anything else like it. The sections get released a few weeks apart at a time and you don’t get a reminder when they are available so you will have to keep up with it on your own. Google calendar is your friend. My favorite part is the User Manual. I have filled it out along with my partners and come together to discuss the responses. You may be able to find a free version that are similar online, but Minx and LG are experienced polyam folks and having their knowledge isn’t something you can get anywhere else. http://polyweekly.com/classes/

If you read this blog for any length of time you will hear about Multiamory. It is my favorite podcast. I binge these episodes and listen to them over and over again. I constantly pull episodes and share in my groups of with people that are looking for resources. I feel that their episodes are all meat and potatoes. They bring in research, it isn’t just about opinions. They stay to one topic and don’t try to add lots of frills and fluff. They are geeky and I really connect with that. I also love the format where it is a discussion and not a monologue. They bounce the conversation off one another bringing up new points and thoughts. The beginner’s guide is a fantastic resource for newbies and novices. Even if you feel you are an expert on Polyamory I feel you will get something out of these episodes. https://www.multiamory.com/beginners-guide

Poly.Land is a fantastic blog that Page has been developing for some time. I honestly don’t know how she comes up with so many great posts. She is one of the first places I go for resources when looking up a topic. She has another great beginner’s guide. Her negotiation on relationships is a bit more than I would expect, but she comes from a BDSM background and those relationships are more negotiated than a standard intimate relationship. I totally agree with negotiating. I just feel hers is more in depth than what most people will experience. https://poly.land/start-here/

A friend has recommended this class. It discusses codependency in 21 lessons. How to recognize it and skills for creating a healthier relationship. Most of us will have codependency tendencies or partners that do. It is a paid course. You can pay $15, $35 or $50. There is no difference in what you get for those prices. Just the level of support you want to give. I learned the hard way that creating a relationship where others depend on you for their value and happiness can destroy that person. This course is on my to do list, but I value his recommendation and will add it to this list for those interested. https://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/courses/courseoverview.cgi?cid=868&aff=&co=&fbclid=IwAR3MBODCDtoMOXpFKh0uN8RAcme5PgRmPJSKAYcnZFglUMjHB-xCswEdvr8

I hope you enjoy these resources and learn a little about yourself along the way.

I’ve been told that if I ask someone to do something and they don’t follow through then I should just let it go. If it doesn’t happen that is on them and not on me. That isn’t how life works though. I recently had a conversation that when others don’t fulfill their responsibilities those responsibilities don’t disappear. They get shifted to other places. If they aren’t fulfilled for an extended period of time the group, event, family falls apart without it. That is of course discussing basic needs or functions, not wants.

It makes me think of the statement, “There is no such thing as a free lunch”. It’s true. It gets paid for by someone somewhere. Working with non-profits has shown me that it doesn’t matter if you have a fantastic idea or program that could make substantial change, if it isn’t supported by time, energy, money then it can’t become what it was meant to.

I grew up in extreme poverty, but I now own a home with 3 bathrooms. I clean the guest bath, my daughter cleans hers and my nesting partner cleans the master bath. Unfortunately, not all the bathrooms are cleaned with the same thoroughness and as often. I have slipped and fallen in the master bath after it got slimey. Feel free to ewwww… out loud at that. I did. When I found it again in this state, I cleaned it myself. I could have just left it to continue to get gross, but for my safety and others in the household I cleaned it. It didn’t go away because it wasn’t cleaned. It didn’t magically get cleaned. The responsibility was just shifted.

If you have a local community or come in contact with something you want to continue ask how you can help. Supporting these programs with your time, energy and money will spread the responsibilities so there is less for a small group of people to do. If you aren’t willing to support them then don’t be surprised when they disappear. Don’t expect them to provide more than they already do. Invest in the things that you love and are passionate about.