I was asked recently to write down what community means to me. I have worked hard to network and bring people together. I joke about my modern day commune where we don’t live together, but we share resources and help each other out. There are times though when I feel quite alone and without community despite this network.
As a very extroverted person that loves to be around people nearly all the time, I recognize that my idea of community is not everyone’s and that each person in this community has different needs. Allowing people the space to have their needs fulfilled and supporting others during times of need is not always an easy balance.
My vision of community consist of shared meals. People gathered together and each supporting the event by bringing food or supplies, cooking, playing music, showing the kids how to help and so on. Every meal wouldn’t be this way, but it should occur often. Food brings people together. I want to listen to others talk about their week. I want to learn about new or lost relationships. New or lost opportunities. I find these are often good spaces for checking in with others.
Community means that I share my extras. I own chickens and geese. I often give out eggs to others. I really enjoy when others do the same. I have more than I need and so asking if someone else could use it. A continuous cycle of hand-me-downs and recycled housewares. A network of food and what nots that move from one household to the other.
Community means a space for the kids. That they are welcome and feel loved and valued as part of that system. That those around them recognize their value and help in their care, whether cleaning a spill, playing a game or showing them a new skill. That children in this system will have people around them that will support their growth, because they are people too.
Community means being there for our most vulnerable. Whether it is someone struggling with depression or anxiety or someone with needs our society doesn’t accommodate. If a ramp needs to be built, there is a group of people that show up and make it happen. If food needs to be provided a meal train is formed.
Maybe I have this weird utopia in my head, but the point isn’t that there won’t be problems. The idea is that when these problems happen, it is not one or two people weathering the storm. It is a group of people carrying umbrellas for each other. I believe that I have been laying the foundation for this, but sometimes I wish the doors and windows were already in or that others would start working on the walls. Maybe that is the part I am missing. Finding others that have been doing this work as well and supporting each other through this process.
For those with an oral fixation specifically, but not limited to odaxelagnia, biting can be a way of connecting with partners and is quite pleasurable. Many of us have chosen it as a soft limit though. We only allow it with specific partners because it can be difficult to find partners that do it effectively. Hopefully, this guide will allow a better understanding of the mechanics of biting and how to do it safely.
It is important to discuss with partners BEFORE biting. Even a “love nip” can be very upsetting to those who have an aversion to this type of play. When discussing biting with partners it is important to respect their decision on whether they are comfortable giving or receiving bites. Negotiations or discussions should include where it is ok to bite, how you enjoy being bitten, if you want to bite in return, STI/STD status, and safety precautions. I’ll even show partners by biting my own arm to help them understand what I am requesting.
Even small bites can leave very distinguishable marks and bruises. It is very important to discuss where it is ok to bite in case of marks. For most people, you will want to avoid areas of the body that are not regularly covered by clothing. This may change during times such as summer when partners are more likely to show more skin. It is also important to discuss if you would like to avoid marks completely. Bites can still be quite enjoyable if they don’t leave a mark. Setting this boundary allows partners to have a better understanding of the pressure they should use.
When biting, more skin normally means the bite will be more pleasurable. You want to avoid areas that it feels like you are only able to get a pinch of skin. Allowing more surface area creates a better cushion for the teeth and more control of the pressure used. Less skin increases the likelihood of skin breakage, marks and over stimulation. My recommended places include the shoulder area above the collar bone, the chest area between the armpit and the breastbone, breasts, thighs, back and buttocks. Many people will want to immediately go for a nipple. They just stick out there waiting for a nibble. I’ll go into greater detail on biting nipples in a bit.
You’ve negotiated the bite and now we’ll learn how to nom your partner. Open your mouth wide to a comfortable width, gently place it against the skin creating a seal and suck gently. You should feel the skin start to pull up and into your mouth. Close your mouth slowly while continuing to suck gently. The objective is not to give them a hickey, but to get as much skin into the mouth as possible. Once your teeth can hold the skin on their own stop sucking and keep constant pressure for a few seconds. Release, check the area to understand how it reacts to the pressure you applied and check in with your partner on how it felt. When y’all are both comfortable continue this action and slowly increase the pressure as you progress until you find how much you both enjoy. Do this action on different agreed upon body parts. Different parts will use different pressure. Each time you practice or scene start off gentle and build up. Like impact, the pain of bites should be slowly increased allowing for sub space to be achieved.
Many people hold their breath when they are being bitten. Remind partners to breathe deeply. Deep breathing has been shown to stimulate the vagus nerve. This response can bring people into deeper space more quickly. When you are biting, don’t pull the skin or move your head back and forth. Dragging your teeth across the skin will likely lead to skin breakage. Hold your head still as you apply pressure.
For bites to areas of the head such as ears or lips, special consideration should be used. You should never bite the cartilage part of the ear. Trauma to the cartilage can result in “cauliflower ear” in which overgrowth of the cartilage causes deformities. Bites to the ear should only occur at the bottom fleshy part. Because this area is small it is very sensitive to bites. Remember, less surface area normally means a more intense feeling. Start gentle and build until you find an enjoyable amount of pressure. Lips are similar, although additional consideration should be used for biting lips. I have HSV1 (oral herpes). Biting my lips is a hard limit because trauma to the lips will activate the virus causing an outbreak. The inner lip is made up of a thin mucous membrane that is easily broken. Lips should never be bitten hard or sucked on hard without very clear consent that this is what a partner prefers for their body.
Nipples can be very enjoyable to nibble on. The issue is that there is very little surface area. When biting nipples, use your front incisors. Don’t bite the nipple itself, but the skin right behind it. The nipple should be directly inside your mouth, while the teeth are placed past the dense tissue onto the areola. Use very gentle pressure as this is a very sensitive area for stimulation. If it is too intense, the partner may pull away injuring themselves. I find partners normally enjoy being stimulated with the tongue or sucking while pressure is applied.
Its important to understand that infection is likely if the skin is broken during a bite.
For most people with this fetish, breaking of skin is not preferred. For those wishing to do more intense play, the mouth should be thoroughly cleaned. Teeth should be brushed, and mouthwash used to reduce bacteria as much as possible. The skin where the bite is likely to occur should also be cleansed. Grabbing a shower and washing thoroughly will help reduce bacteria on the skin. If skin breakage occurs apply pressure to stop bleeding. Thoroughly clean the wound with soap and water or an antiseptic. Apply an antibiotic ointment and bandage. Keep an eye on the wound over the next week for signs of infection such as the skin around the wound being hot to the touch, swelling, continued or increased pain and discharge. Seek medical assistance immediately for treatment if infection occurs.
Bites can be a gentle way to connect with a partner or a way to build more intense stimulation to hit sub space. Regardless of how you play, taking time to become better aware of the risks and how to do it effectively will create more positive results during sex or scenes.
I have attempted to escape womanhood. Embracing aspects of myself that have made others uncomfortable. Despite my attempts I am still viewed and referred to as a woman.
This is quite opposite of trans women. They check all the boxes that others have insisted I conform to. They are pressured into passing for their own safety. Yet they are gated from the identity of woman.
Who decides that I am a woman when I have decided to opt out? Who defines woman in such a way that a trans woman is not allowed in?
Femininity is often associated with woman, but that is not a universal trait and many male identifying folx have feminine traits. Feminine males are not exclusive to the gay community as patriarchal mouthpieces would like us to believe. I work to erase aspects that are feminine about my appearance and yet I am still woman.
Breasts or curvy figures are not universal. Giving birth or having a menstrual cycle are not guaranteed. Yet those without these traits are still shoved into the woman box. The pitch of a voice does not define gender as anyone who’s worked a call center can attest to.
Boss chicks get shit done and leadership is no longer considered a men only arena. Men have worked to reclaim caregiving as a masculine trait particularly among fathers.
My gender isn’t based on my genitals. The people who decide I am woman don’t see my genitals. They are a figment of their imagination. So then are those imagining my genitals those who define me as woman? That’s a creepy thought. That ultimately the deciding factor for many is that when they imagine my genitals they would label my gender on their own presumptions.
I have been very introspective of my sexuality over the last year. As a queer identifying person, I have enjoyed exploring my sexuality with a variety of genders. I am also a wonderful flirt. Oh how I savor seeing the expression change from fun to yum.
Oddly though, despite being aggressive in my pursuit of masculine flirtations I am often more timid with femme folx. Even when both they and myself seem to have a clear understanding of attraction and are enjoying the tease, I keep myself contained.
Often these interactions are taking place in a mostly hetero space. I have come to recognize that I often feel discomfort at the attention my flirtations with femme people seem to gather. The more I escalate a flirtation the more comments my companion and I receive from the men around us. I am distracted by their eyes and the feel their desire on my back.
I don’t enjoy this type of attention and my flirtations are for the enjoyment of the person I am pursuing. There becomes this pressure then to engage not because of my attraction to this sexy lady, but because the male gaze wants it. That our own desires are drowned out by the demand for their sexual satisfaction. The feeling that we are objects that they will use to stroke off to later that evening. I pull back from my companion hoping they are soon distracted.
I don’t want them to have us. I want to keep the smoldering look she gives me all to myself. I want to taste her lips and not hear them in the background. I don’t want my sexual desires to feel pressured by theirs. My pursuit is not for their satisfaction. It is mine and hers. The moment is lost and clouded. Did she truly desire my attentions or was she reacting to the same pressures I felt?
I think I will set a goal of checking in after the fact. Maybe this will give me the privacy to enjoy those flirtations in privacy. Maybe I will make a point of finding more queer spaces. I am curious if the reactions are the same.
I have often found frustration as others insist on my need as a single femme person to own a gun. As soon as I became single it became consistent advice from close friends to people I had just met. What baffles me the most is the complete disregard of my experiences and data that says the biggest concern is not a random person breaking into my home, but the personal relationships I have with violent men.
That’s right, it has not been the random person on the street (I acknowledge this does happen, but that is substantially lower risk of occurrence). It has been those I considered friends and intimate partners that have had the most violence against me. This is consistent with what we know about violence against most femme people. “Most of this violence is intimate partner violence. Worldwide, almost one third (27%) of women aged 15-49 years who have been in a relationship report that they have been subjected to some form of physical and/or sexual violence by their intimate partner.” (https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/violence-against-women)
To be safer in my home, I do not need a gun. I need less violent men in my life. Stop telling femme people if they don’t have a man in the house they need a gun to protect themselves. Start telling them what a good job they are doing keeping themselves safe by not having a violent man in the house.
I understand that for many, having a gun gives a sense of control and safety. The data tells us though as soon as you introduce a violent man that gun is a greater danger to yourself. We cannot continue to lie to ourselves that we need protection via men and guns. In order to truly be safer in our homes we must react swiftly to violence exhibited by men in our lives.
Besides, my best security system to date has been my geese. Nearly everyone has a fear of geese apparently.
Grand gestures- over the top acts to express love, have been a standard in romance for decades. Although, this can happen in any type of relationship, this is the go to instruction for men who are apologizing. Grand gestures are a big red flag in relationships. Although they can be exciting and fun, there are behaviors that you’ll want to keep an eye on.
Many times grand gestures are a way to gaslight partners. Imagine a partner that forgot an important date. As an apology, they buy a huge bouquet of flowers and take you to your favorite restaurant that is a bit pricey. There is little to no acknowledgement of their behavior other than them saying they messed up. There is no discussion of how they will work on the behavior. There is a grand gesture to PROVE their love to you. This will happen over and over again. It probably won’t be the same mess up every time. Things here and there that make you angry and feel distrustful of them that they smooth over with a gift.
They may even have good intentions with their grand gestures. Our society pushes the narrative that you make an angry woman happy with gifts. This avoids discussing the problems, working to change behavior and confronting toxic behaviors for both people involved.
Grand gestures are often used by men to manipulate women. You’ve said no to going on a date. They contact your friends and find out things you are into. They make a grand gesture often in public that puts you in a place of social pressure. All your friends are telling you to go out with him. Even though you want to say no, you have been manipulated into a place where you feel you can’t.
Grand gestures are a huge red flag when they consist of making a life decision that you didn’t get to be a part of. Imagine your partner buys you a car without talking about it. This may seem super romantic, because that is the narrative that is pushed. The truth is though that you are now responsible for a huge debt and monthly bills without getting to decide or even discuss what is best for you.
Grand gestures aren’t always toxic. They can be lots of fun. When you have discussed a big trip with a partner and they book tickets. Y’all have already discussed how you would manage to take time off and pay for the trip. If y’all have just gotten out of a fight and you have no idea how to take time off of work to go, this is a red flag. When you tell them your concerns and they get angry, that is another red flag.
Having the ability to say no is essential in relationships. Having the ability to decide how to use your time and money is essential in a relationship. This is for married folx too. I had a partner that PROVED they were supporting me going back to school by purchasing a laptop. This was super confusing for me, because the gift seemed obvious proof of their support. While taking classes they continued very toxic behavior that made it super stressful to complete classwork. I also came to the realization that if I had gone to them about purchasing the laptop, they would have said it was not in our budget. This was consistent behavior of being denied things I needed or wanted. On the surface, their statements of support and gift seemed very supportive, but it was gaslighting and financial control in an abusive relationship.
If grand gestures are being used to manipulate the situation so that you feel pressured to do what they want or used to prove their love it is a red flag. If you are someone who uses grand gestures please take time to figure out why it is important. If you have a partner that expects these behaviors, please take time to meet with a relationship therapist and discuss healthy ways of working through conflict and giving space to each other to say no.
We have our experiences in life and those are without doubt truth. Then we meet someone that has an experience like ours, but their truth isn’t the same. There is a moment of defensiveness. How can our experiences be true if this other person didn’t have the same?
Here lies the fallacy in using our perspective as truth. Our truths are grounded in culture and life experiences. They are unique to us and although others may have similar experiences they will not have the same. Our experiences aren’t facts in the way numbers are measured. That’s why you can have different stories for the same event from various people. In that moment, although the event was the same they are not experiencing it the same.
How do you make decisions if your knowledge isn’t grounded in facts? How are we not swayed by anything that comes along or left unable to make decisions? Decision making for our lives is rarely a truth and a falsehood. We use the information we have to make a decision in the moment. It often isn’t even the “best” decision. Many of us have a process to making decisions, but others can easily look at those decisions and pick apart why that wasn’t the best. It doesn’t matter what others think though. You are the best decision maker for yourself. Even if you have made decisions that have caused you harm and hurt you are still the best decision maker for yourself. No one else can possibly understand all the variables for your life and what works for you in that moment. That’s not to say, don’t get advice from others. Gaining new perspectives is important. I often ask a minimum of three people to discuss big issues with me before deciding how to move forward.
If our truth isn’t the truth, what is the truth? From a qualitative perspective, there isn’t really an overarching truth. When we are looking at the bell curve we understand that the majority of people may have a similar experience, but again, not the same. It will be unique. It is imperative that we listen to others to gain this knowledge that we lack. I will never have the experiences of a person of color. So I read, I listen, I make sure not to dismiss their experiences. I raise their voices on topics regarding people of color. I recognize that using my experiences to understand their truth is a fallacy.
This can be applied to any situation in which someone challenges my perspective. It is important that we understand that our truths are not other’s truths. One can exist within the same space as the other and not cancel each other out. It is ok for others to have different experiences and for my experience to still be valid.
I would like to put a side note: as someone who was gaslit for nearly 2 decades, having someone challenge my reality can be very unnerving. What I use to steady myself is recognizing that the person is speaking of their experiences and not mine and that those don’t need to be the same. My truth is still my truth. What I won’t tolerate is telling me what my experiences are. When someone tries to tell me that my experiences aren’t valid, I create a lot of space from that person. I ground myself in my reality by using tactile experiences. For example: I remember this happened, because I had my hand on my coffee cup and remember how hot it was. I remember the rough feeling of the bannister as I walked down the stairs. Grounding myself in tactile memories has helped me to gain my sense of reality when I feel unsteady.
I’ve explained this concept to those around me. The idea that we invest in relationships. Investment is defined as: an act of devoting time, effort, or energy to a particular undertaking with the expectation of a worthwhile result. Taking the time to help others in our lives is an investment.
I am a lot more careful of the relationships I invest in. I enjoy helping others, but I also need them to invest in me. I gauge my relationships and the time I spend on them by what is reciprocated. That’s not to say that I expect others to do things for me or that they owe me. For example: I help a friend paint a room. I have invested time and energy into that relationship. The hoped for result is a relationship that is more intimate. We are building trust and navigating communication during this time. They in turn call and check on me when they find out I had a bad day. They are investing time and energy into that relationship.
I focus in on relationships with people that invest in me. I tend to match their investment with my own. There are many ways people can invest in a relationship. Learning how they show love and communicating to them how I receive love is a good start. We often set expectations that most of our relationships should be big investments. To have a healthy connection with others, we should have a variety of relationships. Having relationships that are “lets grab a coffee and chat” are as valid as the “lets move in together” relationships. Your portfolio of relationship investments should not be all in one place. This also helps you if that relationship sours. You have built a healthy support system around you that you can use to grieve.
I don’t get angry if someone doesn’t invest with me. We never know where people are at in their lives. If people aren’t in a place to invest, its ok if we adjust how much we are putting in as well. This is not an act of anger or retaliation. Set aside the expectation that people owe us their time and energy. I didn’t waste my time, because I chose to take time for that connection with them. I did what I felt was best for me and that is never a waste. We may feel disappointment when a relationship doesn’t develop as we hoped, but connecting with others is rarely a waste. We learn about ourselves if nothing else.
This is a way I have found to gauge relationships in their compatibility with me. This is how I have built a lasting support system. I hope this helps you to consider the investments you are building in your life.
It begins at a young age in which the importance of family is stressed. You are “little mama”. You are praised for your compassion and are asked to help care for younger siblings or cousins when the family gets together. You are asked about your boyfriend before you leave elementary school.
When you become of age to date, you are left ignorant of things such as STDs and STIs. You have heard of condoms, but you don’t know what they look like and only have a vague understanding of their uses. You don’t even know that birth control is an option and even if you do, how do you obtain it without your parents knowledge?
As you begin navigating dating, you find yourself walking the line of fear of pregnancy and maintaining a relationship. You know from years of reminders that, “boys only want one thing”. You know that the guy you are with doesn’t know how to get condoms or complains about wearing them. If he does, he takes them off in the middle of sex because it is harder to cum with it on.
You get pregnant at a young age. You know that sex can get you pregnant. You just don’t have the information needed to prevent it or the resources available to you. Sometimes the father of the child, “does the right thing”. So you are married by the time you turn 20 years old. A college degree is unlikely as you both work to provide for the family. Soon you both feel overwhelmed from working multiple jobs and trying to juggle kids. No one has told you how to build this relationship with your new spouse that you barely have time for. In fact, you are told by other femme people around you that this is all normal.
Eventually, this relationship probably ends. The continued back and forth of toxic behaviors being both normal and not acceptable are confusing. The heartbreak is only allowed to last so long as you attempt to survive on your own. You now work minimum wage jobs trying to support a child, probably more than one. If you are lucky you have family that will help as they encourage you to get out there and start dating again.
You must survive. You must provide for your child. You feel the weight and want to share it. You find a guy that doesn’t mind that you have a kid or 2. Sex happens early in the relationship because you want to be with him. You want him to share your burdens. Your body is the payment. He only wants sex after all. Maybe it is pleasurable. Maybe he even tells you that you are more than just sex. You believe him sometimes. He doesn’t wear condoms because they don’t feel good and it is harder to cum using them. It’s ok. Y’all are going steady. You’re nervous about pregnancy, but the people around you assure you that this is how guys are and it is normal. When you get pregnant, he doesn’t stay. He already pays child support for another kid and can’t afford a second one.
This story is repeated in a similar narrative throughout the lives of those around me. I see how the femme people of the south are trapped in an impossible situation that they don’t even know is a trap. Knowledge and support allowing providing them the choice to have a family and when would empower the southern woman in such a way that it would upset the current culture. Honestly, it has already begun. More of us have learned the hard way and are not silent in our criticism. We advocate and legislate our freedom from this ignorance that has kept us poor and in subjugation. The southern woman will one day be free.
Most people are not self aware enough to intentionally cause harm to others through emotional abuse. They just recognize that when they treat someone a certain way it gives them the results they want. Similar to my 6 year old and his attempts at getting candy. He may try different forms of emotional manipulation, not because he is conscious of this, but because he recognizes that sometimes he is rewarded by getting what he is wanting. I am unsure how much of the population ever make it past this point in self awareness.
This is not an excuse for harm. I hear people say, “it doesn’t make sense to me” or “I don’t understand it” as though that is the requirement for respecting a request or being considerate of others. The fact is that understanding often comes after our change in behavior, not before. Sometimes we are never able to fully understand another perspective and simply trust that people are able to recognize things that cause them harm. I will never truly understand the perspective of a person of color, but I trust that their experiences are true and believe them when they communicate their needs. I don’t have to walk in another person’s shoes to recognize that they are worn and in need of repair.
If a person doesn’t reach that self awareness can the be held accountable for their actions? Yes. I hear over and over again that it was not someone’s intent to cause harm, but once you are made aware that a behavior causes harm and you choose to continue it, then it becomes your intent to cause harm. You may not understand how that behavior is harmful to others (I encourage you to Google it and not depend on others to educate you), but you are still responsible once you have been made aware.
Whether it is your intent or not, when you cause harm to others they are allowed to feel hurt and cautious towards you. You don’t need to understand their perspective and are not entitled to their explanation. When someone steps away from a relationship or tells you that your behavior was hurtful to them the next response from you should be, “Thank you”. It takes a lot of bravery for people to come to us when we have hurt them. It is easy to fall into a place of defensiveness. Take a deep breath and just tell them, “Thank you”. When you have time, consider what they are saying and assume that it is true. Again, it is easy to fall into the trap of assuming others are just trying to hurt us. If they have taken the time and energy to come to us and discuss their pain then it is likely that they are hoping to resolve this in a way that will promote healing.
Some pain can’t be healed. It is a wound that continues to hurt and cause conflict. People will stay in relationships they no longer feel safe in and continues to cause them pain. I encourage you if you are in this place to seek out professional assistance. Therapists are able to assist in helping us find the root of the issue and tackling it, rather that exhausting ourselves trying to treat symptoms. They can also help us create plans and move forward in a healthier way. They are not there to relieve your pain, but to support you as you move through it.
For those who have caused this harm, it is easy to experience anger when others decide to leave or need space because of our actions. We can feel rejected. It often triggers insecurities within us and we may lash out at others. I encourage you to seek professional help to move through this pain. Give yourself a space to have these feelings away from those they would cause more injury too. It’s ok to have these feelings. It is never okay to behave in a way that causes others harm because of those feelings. If you are able, create a plan that allows those in the relationship time and resources to work through this difficult time period. Set a date when y’all revisit the plan and adjust it as needed. This plan may not be to save the relationship. It may be to give each other time to deal with difficult emotions before starting a separation.
It is common and necessary that we seek out support when we are in pain. Be careful if those around you are encouraging you towards more harmful behavior. If they are not able to provide you support while also encouraging you towards being considerate of your partner, you may need to set boundaries on how they assist you.
Most people believe they are self aware and that becomes a blind spot. It is imperative that we listen to others when they come to us with criticism of our behavior. Not intending to cause harm is never an excuse for doing so.
If you are unsure if your current relationship is offering criticism for pain caused or has turned abusive, please check out the following resources:
Monologue in AFOG 