Monologue in AFOG

Journey to No

*Trigger warning for sexual assaults*

I attended an event where the presenter discussed their journey to be able to say “no”. They described the steps they took to be able to set boundaries and to give a hard no instead of a soft no. Soft no is when you tell someone you aren’t interested in a subtle way, “not right now”, “I’m feeling a bit off at the moment”, “maybe later”. Hard no is an explicit expression, “no thanks”, “I’m not interested”, “no”. When people experience anger or consequences for a refusal, they learn to express their displeasure in other ways. They try to avoid the situation rather than cause conflict.

As children, we are often subjected to experiences that we are not allowed to say no to. We are given very little control over our bodies and environment. “Go kiss grandma and grandpa”. “I pay for this house and can come into your bedroom as I choose”. “I have access to your social media accounts and phone anytime I want”. When a child says “no” they quickly learn that it is ignored or met with hostility. Well behaved children do as their parents demand.

In our early adulthood, we are often still tied to our parents. As we are trying to gain footing on our identity our parents reactions may unseat our ability to set clear boundaries or even figure out what they are for ourselves. At insisted no pictures would be taken for the birth of my first child. As I was drugged and in pain, my mother took multiple pictures. She had these developed at a local store and brought them to me proudly. “Aren’t you glad I took pictures?”. I felt anger and frustration. I had told her over and over again I did not want this and yet she ignored my no and broke through the boundary I set. She was not invited to another birth, I made sure everyone attending understood pictures were forbidden and it was included on my birthing plans.

As a femme identifying person, saying “no” can be very costly. Over the years I have been forced into situations where saying no came with consequences. At a young age I was groped in an arcade. I was asked by the perpetrator to leave with him. I remember being in fear of what more he would do to me when I shook my head and wandered away from him quickly to a more occupied part of the store. In middle school, it was my stepfather pulling me onto his lap while my mother looked on. Feeling uncomfortable and gross, but without the words or understanding to express these feelings. Instead laughing with my mother at this silly game. In high school, it was getting pushed against the wall in a locker room. The boy showed me the razor blade he kept in his mouth. I don’t remember what I said to get him to let me leave. It was a brother-in-law that professed his love, accused me of cheating on my husband and became sexually suggestive around me. My friend group at the time defended his actions because he was socially awkward and I was being overly dramatic. Despite my repeated attempts at enforcing boundaries, I found the most effective method was to avoid him. It was the man as a newbie at kink events that felt he could slap my ass, pull my hair and wrap his arms around me constricting so that I was short of breath and could not leave the situation. He continuously boasted about his strength. After repeated attempts asking him to respect boundaries resulted in complaints to leaders. It was a partner that repeatedly ignored my boundary for tickling for over a decade. He would amuse himself in tormenting me in this way.

When I came into the kink community I learned words like boundaries and consent. I was told that people should listen and respect these things. That it wasn’t ok if they didn’t. I became obsessed with these concepts. I gobbled up every bit of literature I could find on consent culture. Then I tested these ideas on friends and partners. I found myself creating trust in others and earning trust for myself in ways I never imagined possible. With the help and patience of a partner I learned to say “no”.

I have explained to people that each time I learned to reinforce my boundaries I have lost friends. I have been accused of weaponizing boundaries. I have been accused of setting rules for others. The loss and accusations have been painful. I also recognize that if the love others offer me does not include respecting my needs then it is not a love I want. That no one is entitled to a relationship with me. I am not property. If someone is not comfortable with boundaries I have for myself then perhaps we aren’t compatible. That’s ok.

The road has been bumpy and difficult. My journey to “no” is ongoing. I am proud of the work that I have put in though. I look back at the path behind me and breathe in the love I have found for myself.

Dangers of Breath Play

* Trigger warning for Assault and Domestic Violence*

I would like to start this writing by stating I am really into breath play. I enjoy giving and receiving it. RACK means that we are risk aware though and so I work diligently to educate myself on my kinks. In doing so, I made the decision that breath play is a hard limit for me. I am not telling you how to kink. You must make that decision for yourself. I am asking that you educate yourself on the risks using this writing and educate your partners on the risks so that when consent is given it is an informed decision.

My partner and I were slowly learning and exploring breath play. Compressing the chest, cutting off breath by face sitting, holding mouth and nose. I ran across an article that made me pause.

Health Issues Result from Strangulation

“As the body tries to heal, blood clots may form inside the artery and block blood flow or break off and travel to the brain, resulting in clinical findings similar to those of a stroke. Only 4.4 pounds of pressure on the jugular veins may cause a back up of oxygen-deficient blood in the brain, resulting in the rupture of internal blood vessels and lack of oxygen to the brain.

Compression of the carotid body, a neurologic structure located in the back of the neck, can result in the slowing of the pulse and progress to cardiac arrest. Strangulation may cause fluid overload in the lungs, (pulmonary edema), up to two weeks after the assault. During the assault, vomit may end up in the victims lungs. The digestive fluids in the vomit may begin to “digest” the victim’s lungs causing pneumonitis.

Other neurologic signs and symptoms may include vision changes, ringing in the ears, facial or eyelids drooping, one-sided weakness, incontinence and miscarriage. Weeks to months after an assault, a victim may have problems sleeping, and experience impairment in memory and concentration.
Mental health problems can include anxiety, depression and dementia. In up to 50 percent of cases, there are no visible bruises.”

That really made me wonder about the effect of breath play on the human body. That didn’t stop me from exploring until I ran into this next article. https://amp-news-com-au.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/amp.news.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/sex/legal-expert-says-erotic-strangulation-on-the-edge-of-homicide/news-story/b40ad7ecfe492ec83f95477284940819?usqp=mq331AQCCAE%3D&fbclid=IwAR0qvTJNIEZcAeikgJPNbCCMFdLRC3oQQ4uT5cspVoa6I8APg2Bf8h8wFo8&amp_js_v=0.1#referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&ampshare=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.news.com.au%2Flifestyle%2Frelationships%2Fsex%2Flegal-expert-says-erotic-strangulation-on-the-edge-of-homicide%2Fnews-story%2Fb40ad7ecfe492ec83f95477284940819

“He described strangulation as being “on the edge of homicide”.

“How can you consent to what is the equivalent of playing Russian roulette?” he said during a conference at Bond University on the Gold Coast.

“When there’s an increase of 600 per cent (risk) when the person has been non-fatally strangled before, in my opinion the choking sex game thing … can’t be legal.

“It is impossible in my opinion to have a person consent. You can’t consent to something that is that dangerous any more than you can consent to Russian roulette, any more than you can consent to playing ‘chicken’ on a roadway where two cars are going towards each other at 100km/h to see which one is going to chicken out. You can’t do it legally.””

That caught my attention. Consent is a big word for me. How does a Top consent to causing harm that is likely to lead to death or lifelong injury? How does a bottom consent to the likelihood of death or lifelong injury? Is that still Safe, Sane and Consensual? So I did some research and ran into this well researched article. https://fetlife.com/groups/1900/group_posts/30246?fbclid=IwAR16mds1hTZ9kMKDV4-4nhE6Byibx3FSqiEWaQeRgPFDc4b4eefT_dhmIWw

After consulting with other kinksters, I was given additional information and located the following articles:

This article was very frustrating because it started out with breath play is so dangerous don’t do it and ended with “…I highly recommend it-but do so with caution”

““Across the board, experts urges extreme caution “We get a lot of mixed messages because of the depiction of it in porn,” says certified sex therapist Kimberly Resnick Anderson, “but sexual choking or breath play is really dangerous. Even in the BDSM community, it’s never safe. There is always a lethal risk.”

“Because of the risk, the absolute safest way to practice this activity is to keep it as a fantasy,” Heather McPherson, a licensed marriage therapist explains. “Breath play, erotic choking and erotic asphyxiation are generally terms recognized under the umbrella of edgeplay. This type of activity is recognized as high-risk even for experienced individuals.” And clinical sexologist and psychotherapist Kristie Overstreet says, “The only way to ensure safety is to not participate in this at all.””

https://www.playboy.com/read/so-youre-into-choking

“There is abundant documentation of heart attacks, brain damage, seizures, and crushed larynxes—all these effects and more have been clearly linked to choking, strangulation, and other forms of controlling your own or another’s breathing.”

https://archive.org/stream/TheUltimateGuideToKink/TheUltimateGuideToKink-TristanTaormino_djvu.txt

These two articles discus risks to swimmers when they hold their breath.

“In order to maintain bodily functions, our blood-oxygen levels—the amount of oxygen that’s in the bloodstream—needs to stay constant. Under normal, land-based conditions, that’s not a problem to maintain; the average person usually has blood-oxygenation levels well above 90 percent. However, that 90-percent mark is critical because once that downward threshold is reached, oxygenation levels drop off rapidly, Kircher says. “The oxygen/hemoglobin desaturation curve is not linear, and as a result, a swimmer can go from adequate oxygen saturation to poor oxygenation very quickly.” And you’re unlikely to feel it as it’s happening.”

https://www.usms.org/fitness-and-training/articles-and-videos/articles/dont-hold-your-breath

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/08/090804071410.htm

Additional searches turned up the same thing.

https://dominantguide.com/176/take-your-breath-away-basics-of-breath-play/

Click to access Breathplay_-_rev3.pdf

This is a type of play that cannot be done safely. I get that there are a variety of kinks that fall under breath play. I also understand there are many ways to explore this kink. It is not within my risk profile to ask for someone to potentially put their life at risk as a Top. I will not accept the risks of someone asking me to potentially put their life at risk if they bottom for me. I cannot believe that a person is capable of consenting to those risks with full knowledge. These are my beliefs for myself. I hope that reading this will allow you to make better decisions for you.

My Responsibility for Your Feelings

I have fallen into the school of thought that we are not responsible for each other’s feelings. This makes sense to me. I can’t put a gun to someone’s head and demand their happiness.

I feel that this is missing something essential though. It’s been churning in my brain for some time. Our behavior definitely effects the people around us. Abusers and manipulators use our feelings against us. They recognize that there are insecurities and vulnerabilities that we have that they can use to change our behavior. In fact, there are salespeople, marketing, therapists, children that all do the same. So, if we can be so effected by others words and actions what is our responsibility to each other in regards to feelings?

My youngest child knows that if he snuggles up next to me and asks, “pretty please” that there is a good chance that he can effect my behavior to doing what he desires. In fact, I would do it happily. This is not a conscious thought for him. He just has come to recognize cause and effect. Someone stated that he is manipulative, but at a young age I doubt his intent is to control but is finding effective ways to get his needs and wants met. What is my child’s responsibility to my feelings?

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship where I learned to adjust my behavior in order to avoid consequences. I cannot say with certainty that this person understood their own behavior and the harm it caused me. That much like my child they found that it was an effective way of getting their needs and wants met. As an adult though, we expect them to understand the consequences of their actions. Explaining to them the harm they caused me never seemed to register. What is their responsibility to my feelings?

If I say something negative to my child what is my responsibility to their feelings? If I do something that I know would be hurtful to a partner because of their insecurities what is my responsibility to them? How much does intent versus impact matter? My argument with that is at which point after someone is informed of the harm their behavior causes is it their intent to cause harm. A common phrase I have adopted in my relationships have been, “I am sorry for the harm that I have caused you during my personal growth”. It is possible to cause a lot of harm without intending to do so. What is our responsibility to those we have hurt when we were ignorant of the impact we had on them?

I don’t really have answers just thoughts. I believe we should do our best to create positive experiences with others without compromising our ethics or causing ourselves harm. I believe that we can cause enough harm to end a relationship without intending to do so. If I do destroy a relationship that I don’t want them to ever feel trapped with me. That it’s ok for them to leave if they feel that is best. They are under no obligation to let me “fix” things. That we use the word feelings for a lot of things that aren’t emotions. I didn’t feel emotionally abused. I was emotionally abused. Emotional abuse is an action, not an emotion. We are responsible for our actions. I believe that we must work on trauma and insecurities within ourselves. That other people cannot rescue us from our own minds.

Maybe that is the crux of the whole thing. We are responsible for our actions that caused harm. We are not responsible for repairing or working through the feelings associated with that harm…..

What is Anger Good For?

I do not have a degree, license or certification in mental health. I can only speak of my understanding and experiences. Please seek professional assistance if you are in need.

Eww. Are those feelings?! Get that shit away from me. - Funny ...

Our society has a weird relationship with feelings. I am born and raised in Charleston, SC and as a polite southern femme presenting person I don’t get to have emotions. You smile charmingly, throw out a passive aggressive comment here and there and should someone ask if everything is ok you respond, “well of course darling, whatever do you mean”. It’s not lady like to act out.

When I first started therapy I explained that I was just looking for a safe space to express emotions. That should I do so in my current environment the people around me took it personally. I stomp my toe and get upset, what does that have to do with anyone. I am just upset at my injury. I would find myself defending my emotions and being berated for expressing anything other than happiness. In my therapist’s office I yelled and cried and exhausted myself releasing so many feelings.

I’ve had to unlearn a lot of unhealthy ideas and habits regarding emotions. Anger especially. When most of us think of anger it is a negative or bad emotion. We connect emotions to how people behave towards us. Anger is bad because when people are angry they yell, throw stuff, hit things, say hurtful stuff to us or others. It engulfs the person feeling it. It is hard to control. Emotions aren’t behaviors though. There are tons of people who get angry that don’t act that way as I pointed out in my southern femme culture.

I’ve learned that emotions aren’t bad. Anger is normal and even useful. Trying to control anger instead of learning to work through it builds it up inside until we eventually burst. Anger is an interesting emotion that it gives us energy. We naturally seek to release this energy. In our society that normally means we are acting out in an unhealthy way. When we feel anger we need to DO something. This release can take many forms depending on the situation and what your body is needing in that moment.

When you feel anger what is your first impulse? To leave, to scream, to hit something? Allow yourself to feel that need and then find ways to express it in a healthy way. If you need to leave, go for a walk. If you need to scream, find a space where you can do so and scream or blast some music and sing at the top of your lungs. If you need to hit, there are stuffies and punching bags that will keep you and others safe. Now that you have released that energy you can move on to checking in with yourself. What caused the anger? What were you feeling that led up to that emotion? Is this something you need to work on within yourself and/or is this a change you need to make with your environment? Do not use kink as an outlet for anger. Creating a habit of using people for this emotion will only cause harm to yourself or others whether you are a Top or bottom.

As you allow yourself the ability to feel this emotion and recognize its origins, in time you can learn to harness that energy for creating instead of destroying. You can seek out more options to express anger in a positive and healthy way. The important part is that you are not avoiding this emotion and you are learning ways to feel without it connecting to an unhealthy behavior. I know that reading this makes it sound simple. Unlearning unhealthy habits and thought patterns and learning new healthier options takes time and energy. You are going to fuck this up. You will hurt people through this process. Don’t stop, keep moving forward. Cry, mourn, dislike who you are and then step forward.

Take the time to learn ways in which to move through anger. The world of psychology is at your fingertips with a simple Google search. YouTube is your friend. Don’t hesitate to seek out professionals to help you. There are many options available for mental health professionals. You can also choose spiritual guides or life coaches as well. Find what’s best for you.

Complications on Consent

Trigger warning for sexual consent discussion

I am a huge advocate of consent culture. Perhaps its been my experience as femme presenting, but I connect with the need for others to ask. Perhaps it my experience working with autistic people that help me to understand the traumatic effect interactions can have on others. Regardless, I have found that I feel safer when I am with others that ask about my boundaries instead of assuming. I have also found that others feel safe with me because I do the same.

The discussion of consent can seem very simple. Ask, don’t assume. In truth, consent is complex. If I am with someone for 5 years versus a stranger I just met consent looks and sounds different. So, consent is determined on the trust we create within relationships. I have had relationships where I feel very comfortable being nude. I know they would ask and not assume. That if I said no they would accept it without question. Then there are others that I have not felt safe despite knowing them for over a decade. So, consent can look very different from one relationship to the next for a number of variables.

In kink we talk about informed consent. If I am going to scene then I should understand the risks. The others involved should understand them also. This is limited by our understanding though. If we are new to kink or new to the type of play, how do we ensure that we are knowledgeable? We don’t know what we don’t know. Even if we scour for information, it is updating and changing. We cannot know everything on a subject so we are unable to be fully informed. So consent is based on our knowledge in that moment and trust we have with our play partners. Although, the kink community is all about Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC) or Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) or Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink (PRICK) we still fall short. The National Coalition of Sexual Freedom completed a survey on consent violations in 2014 for the kink community.

Click to access Consent-Violations-Survey-Analysis-final.pdf

In consent culture, we look for positive consent. In order to move away from a rape society we want there to be an obvious understanding of the other party wanting that attention. There should be no grey area. We look for enthusiastic consent to ensure that we are not violating another person. In truth though, we are often faced with situations in which we aren’t always enthusiastic. A partner asks, “can I kiss you?” I may reply, “sure”. That’s not enthusiastic. I am not always enthusiastic when I give consent. Even regarding sex, I may be like, “I’m down for that”.

When I am seeking consent, I prefer to hear someone specifically state that yes. Even in long term relationships I will often ask them to confirm with a yes or no when I ask them if they want to do something. We get into habits and an understanding of boundaries as a relationship progresses. It is important to check in on our understanding of them though. People change and our environment and experiences may change how we feel in the moment or over time. I also stress that partners always have the right to say no and that I want them to say “no”. When someone does say “no”, then I thank them. I don’t question the no. I don’t need to know why. The no is enough. The Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) goes into further detail on what consent looks like in use.

https://www.rainn.org/about-rainn

I take all these precautions and still I cannot guarantee that everyone I ask consent of is fully consenting. Consent is complicated. How do you know if the person you are with is fully informed? How do you know there is no social pressure for them to say yes? How do you know what power you hold in that situation in comparison to them? How do you know where they are in their journey to “No”? Radiolab did a series on discussing the many complexities femme identifying people face when denying consent.

https://www.wnycstudios.org/podcasts/radiolab/articles/no-part-1

https://www.wnycstudios.org/podcasts/radiolab/articles/no-part-2

https://www.wnycstudios.org/podcasts/radiolab/articles/no-part-3

The idea of consent can be overwhelming to some especially when they are new to these concepts. When first practicing these techniques they may feel awkward and as though they “ruin the moment”. Truthfully though consent is one of my favorite types of foreplay and the more you use it the easier it gets. Knowing that partners are aware of what to expect, knowing that they are wanting what I am going to do to them is sexy. Checking in throughout our play: “what do you want?”, “do you want me to touch you?”, “how do you want me to touch you?”. Especially if you get more specific, hand on inner thigh watching their body respond, “do you want my hand stroking your cock?” Their breathy, needy “yes” ramps things up that much more. If at any moment there is hesitation or not a clear affirmative I will check in. “Would you like to stop?” “its ok if we cuddle instead” “do you need a moment?” If they want to do something else, I reassure them that is ok. Even if my body is screaming for release. I take a breath and focus on my partner. Taking something they are not ready or ok giving me is a violation of their body and trust. The more trust I earn the more connection and deeper play I can have with that person. We may also find we aren’t compatible and that is ok too.

A Safe Harbor

I think the storm was always there around me. I was blind to it. I would catch glimpses of it every now and again. Then the fog would return. Then the day came that I finally walked into the storm and it felt as though nearly all I built was destroyed.

Then it happened, I met someone that was stable and calm. A safe harbor away from all the chaos. A space to mourn my loss and to remind me that there was still so much good in this world. The words formed in my head first and then slipped past my lips, “I need you”. This wasn’t right though. I don’t need them. I want to be with them. I enjoy sharing my life and them sharing theirs, but I am not in need of another person. I am whole, not a part seeking pieces.

They are a salve for the wounds that I am desperate to heal. When the pain is overwhelming they wrap their arms around me and cry with me. I have never experienced the beauty of someone sharing my pain. To have someone feel so deeply that they felt pain that was not their own.

This isn’t a writing about intimacy though. It is a follow-up on my codependency writing. As I confessed what this person has become in my life, I saw the signs. I have developed codependency on this person. As a person that identifies as solo polyamorous and craves their autonomy this was startling.

I crave the calm they offer me. It is so difficult to tear myself away from their side and walk back into my storm. I often daydream of giving up my autonomy to nest with them. I contemplate what a shared future would look like. Then I shake myself, because that’s not what I want. I want to be solo right now. I want my own space. I want to focus on my needs. I want to figure out who I am. I want to become confident that I am able to take care of myself. I hate the idea of being codependent on another person. So then why am I struggling to remember that?

I realized that I crave the peace this person brings to my life. They have created a space that helps me to heal. I recognized that many of the codependent relationships I have had in the past was because I offered that to others. What would you give to stay in a safe harbor when outside of it the world is cruel and chaotic? A space to heal from the trauma in your life.

My goal has always been empowerment of those in my life, but I have somehow created relationships that were codependent. I feel this has been a part of that. It is common to hear that kind and caring people are targeted by those who take. Are these takers trying to find peace for themselves? My experience is that they become desperate to keep the safe harbor. This is not a justification for abuse. Just my thoughts on how easy it is for us to become codependent on others.

Being aware of our behaviors is the beginning of changing them. Feeling loved, supported and appreciated during my time of healing is a privilege that I am so very grateful for. Being aware of this struggle will hopefully allow me to navigate in a healthier way. Discussing this struggle with my partner will provide a space for us to decide what’s the best way to offer each other support and continued autonomy.

Self Discovery Series

I have been wanting to do a series on self awareness for sometime now. I will be posting some words of wisdom and activities to help us all reach a better level of understanding of self. As I post this to my local Polyamory page, I will add the new sections to this writing.

Week 1

This is the first posting for my web series Know Thyself. A journey in discourse and exercises to create better self awareness. As we know ourselves better, we can communicate our needs and boundaries more effectively. I am excited to start this journey with me.

Self-awareness is defined as the conscious knowledge of one’s own character, feelings, motives and desires.

To start we are going to learn how to be better aware of ourselves. How do we become aware if we don’t know how to listen to our bodies, feelings, thoughts?

There are a tons of great YouTube videos on mindful meditation. You can find one that works for you or find other ways of checking in with yourself. I often take advantage of the traffic in the Charleston, SC area. While most people find it frustrating, I take the opportunity to check in with myself. I step back from what I am currently experience and ask myself: how is my body feeling? What emotions have I been experiencing recently? Am I currently in a depressed state?

Other options that may be effective are yoga, listening to music, an artistic project, fishing, exercise and/or grouding techniques

Click to access educational_resources10.pdf

This weeks homework is to try at least 3 types of mindful meditation to help you discover what works for you. Don’t be afraid to use Google to come up with ideas.

Week 2

As we complete the writings each week I encourage each of you to compile the information and create a handbook all about you.

There are a number of resources that help you during your self discovery journey. We are going to start this week off with a self awareness test. At the end of this series we will go back and retake the test to find out what type of progress we have made.

Read over the information in the link and complete the quiz. Feel free to share what you have learned in the comments section.

Self Awareness Test – Discover Your Hidden Opportunity for Growth and Success

Although, this isn’t a clinical assessment, it can be utilized to better understand what areas we may need to focus more time on in order to grow in the direction we are working towards.

This was my result:

“Big Picture Forming

Good job! You’re above average in your self-awareness. The blinders are coming off, but the big picture is still forming. Keep going! You’ve gained a lot of insight and had plenty of aha moments in your life. There are details missing that will serve as keys to moving on to enlightenment.”

I would like to point out that I have only reached this point through years of tireless effort towards self growth and I recognize that I am still on this journey with you.

For this weeks homework I would like to start working on our core values. Our values create the framework for our decision making.

I really like the steps Scott Jeffrey uses to help discover those values.

“To help you uncover your own personal core values, here are three processes you can try:

1) Peak Experiences

Consider a meaningful moment—a peak experience that stands out.

What was happening to you?

What was going on?

What values were you honoring at this time?

2) Suppressed Values

Now, go in the opposite direction; consider a time when you got angry, frustrated, or upset.

What was going on? What were you feeling? Now flip those feelings around.

What value is being suppressed?

3) Code of Conduct

What’s most important in your life? Beyond your basic human needs, what must you have in your life to experience fulfillment?

Creative self-expression? A strong level of health and vitality? A sense of excitement and adventure? Surrounded by beauty? Always learning?

What are the personal values you must honor or a part of you withers?”

7 Steps to Discover Your Personal Core Values

Sometimes we have a hard time finding the right word that seems to express the value. I found it helpful to Google definitions and synonyms of many of the values when I was discovering my own. Here is a helpful list to get started. Only use the list as a resource.

Click to access values-exercise.pdf

We’ll narrow down the values to a core set in the next posting.

Week 3

This week we will continue our work with our core values. Core values help us to create a life that is satisfying to our needs.

Now that we probably have a ridiculously long list of values, how do we narrow them down to our core values? Those parts of us that drive our decision making.

Our next step is combining values into groups. Those that are associated with one another will be listed together. For example, I have values of kindness, benevolence, caring and thoughtfulness. These are all listed and grouped together. Another example are my values of dependability, accountability and reliability. If you have values that don’t fit with others put them in a group on their own.

Once you have your lists or groups together, choose a central theme among them. What is one word that best describes that group? It can be a word that is listed or another word that you feel best fits.

Take the VIA Character Strengths Survey https://www.viacharacter.org/Survey/Account/Register “The VIA Survey is a scientifically-validated survey that is regarded as a central tool of positive psychology. It’s been used in hundreds of research studies and taken by over 8 million people in over 190 countries–free, because we believe everyone should be able to harness the power of their most positive traits.”

How do your strengths match up to your values? How do your strengths help you maintain the values you have listed?

Our homework this week is to take the central theme for each group and write what it means to us. Why does that value hold meaning in your life? For example, benevolence is the theme I chose. Benevolence for me is the care of others without expecting anything in return. It is the idea that others are equal, but also require compassion and support. That even strangers have value and should be treated with the same love as those that are intimate with me.

This is obviously my interpretation of that value. Consider how you use your values in your own life. If you have difficulty coming up with what it means to you, let your list sit for a bit and pick it up at a later time. As you examine what each of these values mean to you, it is ok to make adjustments to your list. You may find a value doesn’t fit the idea of what you thought it was in originally. When you complete this work, you should have a short list of core values.

Week 4

Our core values should be the first page we place in our User Manual. They are a reflection of ourselves and how we interact with the world around us.

This week we are going to move into our interactions among our relationships. The first part will be examining our attachment styles. These can be vary different from one another depending on who makes up that relationship. Here is some information on Attachment Theory.

Attachment Theory

You may already feel you have an idea of some of your attachment styles within some of your relationships as you read the article. Certain styles may have brought to mind specific relationships. We are going to continue this work by taking an attachment style test. You will take multiple tests for multiple relationships, thinking only of your interactions between yourself and the other person.

http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

Once you have your results for the relationships that you wanted to examine, take a moment and right down the results. Include, the description of that attachment style. Then think about the interactions that came to mind while taking the assessment. What occurs in that relationship that may have you feeling secure or anxious? Record those thoughts as well.

For our homework this week, we will be completing 2 additional tests for Love Languages and Apology Languages.

Love Language Profile for Singles

Apology Language Profile for Adults

Week 5

After taking the 5 Love Languages quizzes, you can print out the results and add that to your User Manual.

Using what you have learned from your relationship attachment styles and love language quizzes, this week we want to analyze our results and think about what we need in our relationships.

For example, my most pronounced love language is words of affirmation. In my anxious attachment relationship I struggled with feeling appreciated. After analyzing this relationship, words of affirmation were very rarely used. In fact, often words were used in a negative way. So, a need I have in my relationships would be for others to tell me how much they appreciate what I do. I also need them to find constructive ways to offer criticism such as using a compliment sandwich.

After going through you relationships, you should have at least a few needs that you were able to write down. I would recommend using at least 3 relationships to come up with your needs.

For homework this week, complete the User Manual created by Polyamory Weekly. If you discover new needs using their form make sure you add them to the list.

Click to access User-manual-worksheet.pdf

Growth Mindset and Cognitive Reframing

Over the last 6 months, I have experienced some of the most difficult moments of my life. It is imperative that I keep a close eye on how I am doing. It is easy to allow the negative experiences in my life to overwhelm me and get into a depressive state. Depression is not in itself bad. It is a normal reaction to traumatic events. When it interferes with our ability to function then it has become an issue we need to seek assistance for. So, keeping an eye on how long and deep my depressive states lasted were important.

Through this time period I have reflected on why I have been able to withstand some super shitty stuff. Many of the people I spoke to stated they had physical reactions from the level of stress they experienced and one insisted I should immediately request antidepressants from the doctor because I would need them. At the time of this writing I have managed this stress and have been able to locate stressors then adjust for them. When I ran into the model for growth mindset and became familiar with the term reframing I was surprised to find that this was a skill I had developed on my own. It never occurred to me that others did not think in this way. Over the years, comments have been made about my unwavering positivity. I have never thought of myself as overwhelmingly positive. When a problem is presented though, I am the person in the room pointing out that there are often positives accompanied with it.

Another Fucking Opportunity for Growth (AFOG) is a polyamory term coined by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux in the book More Than Two. I like to summarize their idea that when shit hits the fan, we ask ourselves, “what did I learn from that?” That we always have an opportunity to grow from our tragedies. During that growth period it can be so very painful. A friend jokes that there are masochists for personal growth. That they accept and may even gain pleasure from the pain of AFOG. Not because we crave that pain, but that we know there will be growth despite it. A common affirmation is the idea that people are forged in fire and that makes us tougher, stronger and better quality.

This a wonderful article on Growth Mindset with book recommendations to go with! https://medium.com/leadership-motivation-and-impact/fixed-v-growth-mindset-902e7d0081b3

I have a passion for CBT. Yes, that CBT! Also, cognitive behavioral therapy. I love the brain and understanding how thoughts turn into behaviors and how to effect those behaviors. Learning how studies on positive thinking has shown correlations with decreased anxiety, depression and a more satisfied feeling about ones own life. Learning to reframe negative thoughts into an acceptance of positive outcomes helps to overcome the fear that has been created inside of us.

This video discusses gratitude journals and how they can help with reframing thoughts out of negative mindsets.

This video discusses the difference between negative thoughts and a negative thought process. It also has a great discussion on how we allow our environment to effect our thoughts.

The world is very cruel at times. It can be easy to feel overwhelmed in our hopelessness and sorrow. Feelings are ok. It’s ok to feel sad, angry or frustrated. We don’t want to get stuck there. Using these techniques may help us to create healthier minds which can allow us to feel more satisfied in the lives we live.

Labels and how to be the Domliest Dom and a true submissive

Labels tend to get mixed reviews regardless of how you identify. We all use them in some way, but they get a bad rap for creating negative experiences. I feel that we tend to make a few mistakes with labels.

First, labels are very personal. When someone connects with a label it is for their own unique reasons. I know people that have identified as dragons and vampires. This may seem very odd to some people, but that’s ok. If it isn’t your identity then there is a good chance that it won’t make sense to you. If you connected with that label you would probably be using it or at least not resent it.

I had a conversation once where someone stated that people can’t just go around identifying however they want and that seemed very silly to me. Why do we feel the need to take away part of someone’s identity instead of sitting down and having a conversation about why they connect with that label? You are not entitled to this conversation, but for many people if you create a safe space they want to share their identity with others.

Second, we don’t choose others labels. We don’t get to decide for others who they are. I have seen one of the easiest ways to piss someone off is to label them with something they don’t identify with. Don’t assume and don’t decide for others. I have seen this often in the kink community with Brat. That is a label that is thrown around often and forced on people. Not cool. Let people decide for themselves who they are.

Third, a lot of the issue we have with labels isn’t with the label itself but our own feelings. When someone says they are a true submissive and you feel resentful, think about why. We tend to think that someone stating that they are a true submissive somehow means they are stating we aren’t. Unless they literally are choosing your identity for you (see point #2) and state you aren’t the thing you identify as then why are we getting so upset about their identity. Check yourself. Their identity is a reflection of who they are, not who you are.

Fourth, labels are made up. That’s right, over time someone said this is a thing and why they named it that thing and then other people said hey, I have never heard a word for that and I also feel that way so I like having a name for it. Tada! Label! Stop telling people their labels are made up. Of course they are. That’s how words work. If there was an adequate word before then another one wouldn’t have been created and used.

Fifth, labels evolve over time. There is no, “back in my day this label meant this”. Cool. It’s evolved. Our communities evolve. Our society evolves. Change is good.

Sixth, the same label can mean very different things to different people. Anyone that’s spent a few years in the Polyamory community can attest the many ways that Polyamorist engage in relationships. Sometimes that causes conflict over who is really Polyamorous and who isn’t. I’ve seen this over and over again. Ask someone that identifies as primal or those that identify as non-binary what it means to them and you will get a variety of responses. Stop gate keeping these labels (see #2). Ask what that label means to them for clarity, but if it isn’t information that you need just move on.

So, if you want to be the Domliest Dom or true submissive go for it. Have that identity. As long as you aren’t misleading people with false information which will cause harm, then have your identity whatever that may be. Maybe Domly Dom or true sub have partners that are really into someone that identifies in that way or maybe there is a very personal reason for them to need that identity. Maybe that identity will change over time. Giving people the space to let their identities evolve is important to their personal growth.

Better at Boundaries (Youth)

This is the outline for part of a Youth Track for a convention that I worked with. Links for printouts are included. Feel free to use this outline and adjust as needed. I have worked to provide links to all of the sources. If you find I missed something, let me know. Please and thank you.

Boundaries Game

Provide a selection of candies that most people don’t enjoy: extreme sour, extreme hot, black licorice, bugs, etc. Go around to each person and ask them to pick out a candy to eat (you will not actually eat these unless they want to). The point of the game is to allow people the opportunity to say “No” to something they don’t want.

Discuss how difficult it can be to say “No” especially when it feels like a social obligation.

Discuss different ways people say “No”. Soft “No” vs hard “No”. Was it clear based on their response that they didn’t want the candy?

Define boundaries (https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/boundaries-psychoeducation-printout.pdf)

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Consent and Boundaries

“No” is a complete sentence. You never have to explain why you said “No” to someone. You are not obligated to provide the reason even with intimate partners and they are not entitled to an answer.

Worksheet on setting clear boundaries (https://www.scholastic.com/content/dam/teachers/articles/migrated-files-in-body/setting_boundries.pdf)

Discuss how consent relates to boundaries

Consent allows us to understand others boundaries and respect them.

Consent allows us to communicate our boundaries to others and expect them to be respected.

How do we get consent? Ask

FRIES may help them to remember how to recognize consent https://plannedparenthood.tumblr.com/image/148506806862

Use Facilitator Discussion Guide Spark a Discussion http://storage.cloversites.com/virginiasexualdomesticviolenceactionallianc/documents/Facilitator%20discussion%20guide%202018-FINAL.pdf

Ask, Listen, Respect video https://youtu.be/n6X5I7xoxEY

Play song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CY8E6N5Nzec

Discuss song. What are some boundaries the singer is expressing? Are their boundaries clear? How is the other person responding? What are some ways that this situation could be resolved?

Digital consent

https://www.nsvrc.org/saam/videos

https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications/2019-01/Digital%20Consent%20Handout_508.pdf

Consent Violations

What do we do when our consent is violated?

Get to a safe place.
Tell a trusted adult (parents, teacher, guidance counselor, police officer)
Notify the app/website and block them.
Call 9-1-1 or the National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-4673 or chat online at online.rainn.org

Discuss what to do when you are the one accused of a consent violation. https://www.tamarapincus.com/consent-violation/?fbclid=IwAR1inSa1Xw_MwZE0weDsuyVZzFjIOQk5Ibvpk6SEqB7fgHfTv6d3iNZWWDY

What do you need for consent?

A conscious, voluntary decision without coercion or intimidation with clearly spoken boundaries.

Consent Game

Consent is often practiced by giving people the option to say “Yes” or “No” to different scenarios. Most people struggle with the “No” part though. This game can be challenging and triggering to participants. It is recommended that everyone has the ability to not participate. They also have the ability to say “Pass”. We are all on our journey to being able to say “No” and accepting it. Some of the questions will be easy to say “No” and others will be really difficult.

The following is a printout used to practice saying “No”. Print out and place in a container. Participants will pull a card or say “Pass” and pick a person to ask the question. The person asked can either respond “Pass” or “No”. Not “No thank you”. Not “I’m good”. Just “No”. The person asking the question responds with, “Thank you for taking care of yourself”. This game allows people to both practice how to say “No” as a complete response and how to respond when they are told “No”.

It can be really uncomfortable at first because we have been told throughout our lives that this is rude or have bad experiences from saying “No”. Encourage participants to talk to people in their lives that they trust about continuing to practice this.

consent-game-1 Download