Overthinking

I have recently been accused of overthinking by multiple people and it has started getting under my skin.

First, I listen to their reasoning and take a moment to check in with myself. Am I stressing needlessly over things in my life? Do I need to take a break and do some self care?

After taking time to check in with myself, I was able to determine that I was in a good place mentally. Through this process I actually learned a little bit about myself and my interactions with others. In these conversations about how I am overthinking, I also felt unheard. I was explaining a concept that I was trying to process. Those around me are aware that I am an external processor and often discuss things that I have going on in my head. I find that getting feedback helps me to better organize my own thoughts.

I recognize that I should be more self aware when I am processing things and work to better communicate my needs to those around me. I also need to ask if they are in a place to discuss these ideas with me. It can be exhausting for people to try and keep up with my thoughts during these times. It comes out in a wave of word vomit as ideas are piled on top of each other, criss crossing and dancing around in my head trying to find where they belong.

I realized that when I am introduced to a concept that challenges my current views I need to “overthink” them. I research and find as much information on it as I can. I talk about it over and over again with others. I become very aware of how these thoughts interact with my behavior. As I decide on what this new concept means to me, I am working on changing my behavior to match this ethic. I’ll often take this idea and run it through various scenarios in my head seeing how these new concepts would apply.

For many people this is a process that gradually happens over time and they probably don’t do it intentionally. It may also be something they process internally. That’s not me. My methods may be messy and loud, but they are effective in allowing me to piece things together. My current goals are to communicate my need for this type of processing and what I need from others during this time effectively. I also want to make sure I apply consent to this process. It’s another opportunity for growth. In fact, I often find the things that frustrate me are. I find it helpful to use these feelings as a measurement for when I need to take a moment for myself to figure out my own needs.

Failing and Then Getting Up

I have told my kids for years that it is okay to make mistakes. It is important to recognize we made a mistake and try to find ways to correct it. I tell people around me constantly when they self harm by putting themselves down that it is okay to make mistakes. Then I made a really big uh oh!

I have an agreement with my landlord that I will fix up the place to offset the cost of rent. The porch stairs were rotting and were getting unsafe. I made the measurements, found materials through the local home improvement store’s website and discussed what corrections and changes needed to be made. They purchased and delivered the materials.

I have never built stairs before, but it isn’t a difficult build since most of the materials are precut and you are doing the assembly part. I have done a number of woodworking projects in the past. I am not an expert, but am comfortable swinging a hammer and using a circular saw.

I measured the risers and cut as needed. They were much steeper than expected. I screwed everything in place and put the treads on feeling more and more that I had messed something up. I put the last tread on feeling defeated. The stairs were not put together properly. They weren’t safe. They were unsafe. I wasn’t sure what I had done wrong only that it was a big fuck up.

My feelings in that moment were overwhelming. I wanted to curl in a ball and cry. My landlord had trusted me with this project. They were going to be there soon and see what I had done. They wouldn’t trust me to complete projects like this again. They would feel they wasted their money. I felt like such a failure. That I was arrogant in my abilities and should have known better.

After all the big talk of it being ok to make a mistake, I was struggling so hard when I made one. I stopped working on the stairs. My mind was racing and overwhelmed with feelings of failure. I drew a bath and allowed the feelings. I didn’t dwell on them. I didn’t dive into them. I felt them in that moment and thought about the truth versus the feeling/thought. I like to process things through conversation. I messaged a friend and found it difficult to explain what happened. I felt so much shame. I told them what had happened and how I was feeling. They immediately responded asking how they could help. I explained I wasn’t sure. That I was still processing.

I was able to recognize that this was an opportunity to show my children that it wasn’t all talk about making mistakes. Showing them how to work through moments like these was a valuable lesson. I was also able to pickup new risers and had realized I had installed them upside down. Total newb mistake.

I admitted my mistake to another friend whose response was that I had “balls” for taking on this project on my own with limited skills. As I was picking up the new risers my landlord called saying they had come by the house. They asked if I needed new risers. They weren’t disappointed or upset. They were worried they had gotten the wrong materials. I explained what happened and how worried I was at their reaction. They assured me it was all good.

It was okay to make this mistake. That it can be overwhelming in that moment to feel as though you failed. That we should give ourselves compassion and extra care in that moment. That the people we put around us will be a huge influence on how we feel about mistakes.

I also recognize that I had many privileges in this situation that despite it feeling quite large to me, it was within my means to fix the situation and that is not always the case.

The Problem with Communication

I had a supervisor that would constantly complain that there was a lack of communication. That’s it. That’s all they would say. As if saying the word communication somehow explained how to fix the issue. Communication is much more complicated than we would like to believe though. It seems easy enough. I make sounds, you make responding sounds, voila! Communication! If it was that simple though, I doubt my supervisor and countless people like them would be pulling their hair out trying to be understood.

How we communicate with others is a complex system made up of culture, vocabulary, experiences and biological factors. Take love for example. If I asked a dozen people to define love I would get a variety of answers, but in the US it is common for people to use the word love and expect others to know exactly what that means. It is normal for people to quickly learn that not being on the same page for the definition of love causes conflict. It’s interesting though that they get upset with each other that they have differing definitions instead of trying to discuss what love means to each of them and finding common ground.

So how do we communicate effectively when there are so many variables to consider? When you find yourself in an argument, make sure that you are on the same page for how words are defined. I have had partners that have found this exasperating, but honestly once we realized that we were using the same word to mean different things it helped to resolve the conflict quickly.

It’s ok to take breaks. If emotions get high or it starts to feel exhausting set a timer to come back to it in an hour or set a date to return to it another day. Focus on some self care before getting coming back together. Respect that y’all have agreed to not talk about the issue until later.

Take time to reconnect with each other. Remind each other that you still care about the other person even when y’all disagree. It is so important to reinforce the love between each other after conflicts. Focus on each other’s love languages. Part of communication is listening to the needs of your partner.

Passive communication is common. I’ll be honest, it is a pet peeve of mine. Passive communication is used as a coping mechanism for those who feel they are not safe communicating directly or is used as a way to manipulate others. For those who use passive communication, I strongly suggest working on towards direct communication. If you don’t feel like you can communicate without punishment, then that relationship should be evaluated. If you recognize that this is something you are struggling with seek out a therapist to help you. They can help you practice using direct communication in a safe setting. Please consider that passive communication makes communication more difficult. When there is an underlying meaning that someone has to guess, there will always be conflict and confusion.

This is a great resource to help work through some communication difficulties in relationships.

Kink 101

What is Kink?

Kink came from the idea of a “bend” or “kink” in one’s sexual behavior contrasted with “straight” or “vanilla” appetites. It is a colloquial term for non-normative sexual behavior.

The kink community however is an umbrella that encompasses many different communities, lifestyles and dynamics. You will find the Kink community welcoming of a diverse group of people. It has offered a safe space for those that are often not accepted in the vanilla world. It brings together people to explore and learn about themselves.

Myths about Kink

There is one true way to kink
- Everyone is unique and how they express their kinks is their own. Just because you use the same label doesn’t mean that you kink the same way.
It’s all about sex
- Many kinks don’t incorporate sex. Many kinksters separate play from sex.
Kink and BDSM are the same thing
- Kink is an umbrella term that incorporates numerous communities, lifestyles and dynamics. They will have different rules and expectations. They will interact differently. Respect other’s boundaries and never assume that they have the same as you. A good rule is to ask before engaging with others until you familiarize yourself with that culture.
- BDSM is specifically referencing Bondage/Discipline Domination/Submission Sadism/Masochism. BDSM tends to focus on power exchange, negotiation, consent and is often structured.
BDSM is all about hurting people and forcing them to do things they don’t want to do
- BDSM is founded on consent and negotiation. It is about acting out fantasy scenarios in a safe space, after both parties have agreed upon limits, likes/dislikes and safe words that will stop an act at any time if a participant is unhappy. Any kinky activity done without express consent is not BDSM—it is abuse.
Kinsters have a history of abuse, trauma and experience mental health disabilities
- The few studies that have been conducted have found that those who engage in kinky fun have no more mental health diagnosis than those who don’t engage in these activities.
- Kink should never replace therapy, but it can be therapeutic
It’s all leather, Doms/submissives, rope and impact or some other set.
- The kink community is crazy diverse. Don’t put yourself in a box. Find your tribe within it.
All women are submissives. All men are dominant. All submissives want to be dominated by everyone and anyone around them.
- Never assume someone’s identity based on your own bias. Never decide or tell someone what their identity is. It never hurts to ask, “how do you identify?” Identities/labels are very personal, and it is up to each of us to decide what connects with us. It is not for others to decide for us.
- While some people might like to be “lifestyle submissives” and “serve” their Dominant 24/7 (and this is definitely not true of all subs), this does not make them receptacles for abuse. Plus, there are plenty of folks who are only submissive in the bedroom and submit to no one outside of it. Either way, submissives (or masochists, bottoms, pets, etc.) are not anyone’s “plaything,” but individuals who have made a conscious decision to place power in the hands of a chosen other, be it for life, today, or the next 20 minutes.
- There are many in the community that are Switches. They feel comfortable on both sides of the slash in various degrees.
That you have to know what you identify as and what kinks you are into.
- “I don’t know”, “I am exploring”, “I haven’t decided” are all perfectly acceptable responses if someone asks.
- Plenty of kinksters have been in the community for years and still haven’t felt the need to label themselves.
- Don’t get trapped in a label on Fetlife. These labels can and should be changed as you learn more about yourself and transition into new phases of your life.

What to expect from the community

We are a diverse group of people from many intersecting communities that are open minded and accepting of others. Disclaimer, some people are asses, find your tribe.
We are fallible, humans that are no different than anyone else you meet in your life. Kinksters are not more evolved or transcended.
We are some of the most open minded and close relationships that you may ever develop in your lifetime. Kinksters often exist in a very vulnerable space with others in the community. They often trust their deepest darkest secrets with each other.
Trust. Don’t break it. Don’t ever take for granted what is given when you are welcomed into the community. For decades the only way into the kink community was to know someone. The doors have been opened to allow more in which creates liability and risk for those who are active members. Breaking that trust will ostracize you.

What the community expects from you

To ask questions
- You have entered a new culture. Do not assume you understand the people or the rules. Take your time learning what others expect from you
Don’t kink shame
- Never ewww nor ask what is the matter with someone because they are into a kink. If you don’t have something nice to say, nod your head and keep your mouth shut.
To pace yourself
- It is easy to want to try all the things as quickly as possible. It is easy to start a relationship without taking time to get to know people. Take the time to attend events and educate yourself. This will help you avoid many common complaints among newbies. This will also reduce liability to the community.
Be considerate of other’s identities and boundaries
- Don’t ever decide someone else’s identity (Not doing so is the easiest way to lose your invitation to events)
- Learn boundaries and respect them.

What the community isn’t

Responsible for your safety
- You choose who to play with, in what kinds of play and relationships you choose to engage in, and in what community groups you choose to participate in, or choose not to, as the case may be. Your newness may make you especially vulnerable to thinking you have to do things you don’t like or aren’t comfortable with in order to best fit in, not offend people, or get the play and sex you want. You may think you need to be quiet and be careful while you try to figure out all the unwritten and unspoken rules; or you may think that if you step into the Kink scene, you’re automatically allowing people to do things to you, or to insist you do things to them, just by walking into the room. Do your best not to fall into this mentality. You have every right to be respected, to say no, to ask questions, and to challenge people who treat you badly, same as you do at work, at school, at the bank, on the street. It doesn’t matter how you identify. Everyone sets the bar at respect.
- Just because someone can pepper the conversation with “blah blah safeword” and “yada yada consent” does not mean they’re a safe player with good morals and pleasantly unwholesome intentions. Don’t go home with a stranger and let them tie you up. If you do experience an assault don’t waste your time getting mad at yourself it’s not your fault. There are resources for victims and we encourage you to report criminal acts to the police.
- If you get a bad vibe in a community space talk to the event organizer or go find another space that you connect with. You get to choose not to participate in the community. There are plenty of fantastic kinksters out there who never set foot in a public play space or go to a munch, for all kinds of good reasons. Do not compromise your own integrity. If you decide you do want to participate in community, we welcome you to this new adventure. If you decide not to, you are no less legitimate a kinkster and we hope you find awesome exciting ways to indulge in your chosen kinks in a space that you feel safe to do so.
- Do not hesitate to reach out to trained professionals such as doctors, police or mental health professionals, etc. if you feel you need their services.
Responsible for providing you partners
- The best way to meet people is to come out to events such as munches, social and meet and greets. Most people in the community are wary of the people they meet online. They want to have the opportunity to gauge you face-to-face.
Responsible for educating you
- There are lots of resources available online, books, YouTube videos and events outside of Charleston that will allow you to learn. Presenters are often volunteers passionate about the topic they teach. Community members may bring in outside professionals they have paid out of pocket to bring into the area. Don’t take this for granted.
Responsible for providing events
- Many people in the community volunteer their time, money, space and energy. They have lives and loved ones that they often take away from in order to build our community. Don’t take this for granted. Better yet, ask how you can get involved! Make sure you are respecting the space they provide by adhering to the space event rules and times.
- You are not entitled to attend those events. Each organizer vets differently and has different criteria for attendees. If you don’t receive the event information as expected reach out to the host but respect their decision and don’t take it personally.
Deciding what you should identify as
- Identities are very personal. Thought should be put into them. It isn’t about what you perceive others think of you. It’s about what you connect with. This may change over time.
Creating a space for everyone
- Organizers work hard to be inclusive. If you don’t feel that space has been provided you, most organizers are open to feedback. Many organizers created spaces because they felt there was a gap in the community and they took the effort to fill it. If there isn’t an event meeting your needs, create one!

Consent

There are no specific criminal charges for kink/BDSM in South Carolina’s statutes. If someone is involved in a crime, it will normally be assault or sexual assault. Consent is not a defense in court, but all parties having the ability to clearly state what was consented to can prevent charges from occurring.

In general, there are three main ways that states legally analyze consent in relation to assault/sexual acts:

Affirmative consent: Did the person express overt actions or words indicating agreement for sexual acts?
Freely given consent: Was the consent offered of the person’s own free will, without being induced by fraud, coercion, violence, or threat of violence?
Capacity to consent: Did the individual have the capacity, or legal ability, to consent?

Just because you consent to play does not mean you consent to everything. You have the right to set limits. Consent can be revoked at any time. The most basic difference between kink and abuse is consent.

It is not consent if

You did not expressly give consent.
You are afraid to say no.
You say yes to avoid conflict.
You say yes to avoid consequences

Each event has its own rules that you must talk to the host about. For example: before doing fire play and bloodplay—if the host allows it, they may direct you to a location where you won’t set the house on fire or ruin the carpet, or simply say “no, we don’t have facilities for that, this is a no-fire play party.” If you’re going to do something that looks like abuse such as resistance and “consensual nonconsent” scenes, you should run it by the host first.

Finding Partners

Many people come into the community looking to find a Dominant/Submissive relationship immediately. The truth is that such arrangements are very involved and should be considered similar to marriage. So, often we go to social events to meetup with others initially just as you would in the vanilla world. Then negotiate scenes as a Top/bottom. This would be comparable to dating. If the scenes go well and both people are in agreement to escalate the relationship, then a dynamic would be negotiated. For those that have been in the scene for decades, you will often hear that they will not agree to a D/s dynamic until they have known someone for at least a year or more.

That does not mean that power exchange cannot be included into a scene. Scenes vary wildly allowing for tons of expression for various kinks.

Agreeing to a committed relationship of Dominant/submissive, Master/slave, etc before you have the knowledge to understand yourself, the risks involved and the person you are committing to, sets yourself up for failure.

Vetting partners

Check if they are a CAKE member

Look for mutual friends with them and ask those mutual friends what their experience has been like

Depending on what you are negotiating you will want to understand how knowledgeable they are to explore things with you. Don’t ask how long they have been doing something, but how many times they have done it. They could have done a rope suspension twice in the last 5 years and state that they have been doing suspensions for the last 5 years. What type of education do they have on the topic? Have they gone to classes, watched videos, read books, etc. What type of safety requirements are needed for this experience (you should be knowledgeable in this as well, it is much easier to weed out people when you are familiar with the requirements of the experience). How did they handle a situation when things didn’t go as planned?

Make sure you are also knowledgeable on how you want to play. You are responsible for being an active participant in negotiations. You won’t be able to do that if you don’t know anything about the topic. Check in with other people that you trust and are knowledgeable on a subject if you are unsure.

Meet in a public place ahead of time without alcohol involved. Have a safety call with a trusted friend. Let them know who you are with and where. Tell them you will contact them at a certain time. Give them as much information as possible to identify who you are meeting and where you were last. If your meetup asks what the call is about, be honest. Let them know that you are doing a safety call. That you never meet people without letting someone know who you are meeting and where. If they freak because you are making sure you are safe, don’t play with that person. If they change the meeting place last minute, don’t go. Maybe they changed it innocently, but it isn’t worth risking your safety. Reschedule to meet if you feel safe to try again in a public place that you can both agree on ahead of time.

Are the pictures they have on their profile of themselves or are they stolen from the internet with no credit in the caption?

Are they avoiding coming to community events? The number one excuse for this is that they can’t because of their career field. There are people in the community that work in law enforcement, medical field, military and have secret clearance for the federal government. They may not attend every event, but avoiding all events are a big red flag.

Glossary of Terms

BDSM-Acronym for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and submission and sadomasochism. Frequently interchanged with kink, fetish, lifestyle, community, etc.

Bondage-Acts involving physical restraint

Boundaries-Guidelines or limits that a person has for themselves in order to maintain mental, physical and emotional well being

Consent-Ongoing negotiation and agreement between parties that is considerate of boundaries and needs that is based on current knowledge of both partners

Discipline-An activity in which one person trains another person to act or behave in a specified way

Dom/Dominant/Domme-A person who exercises control, power or influence over another person

Dynamics-Agreed upon roles and their correlating behaviors

Impact-Striking the body with various objects including the hand

Kink- A “bend” or “kink” in one’s sexual behavior contrasted with “straight” or “vanilla” appetites. It is a colloquial term for non-normative sexual behavior.

Leather-A traditional style of BDSM, whose origins are post-World War II

Little-Roleplaying between adults in which one regresses into a younger version of themselves. The Dominant is often referred to as a Big, Daddy or Mommy

Masochism-The enjoyment of receiving pain and/or humiliation

Master-A Dominant partner that has negotiated “ownership” of a submissive slave.

Munch-A social meetup of kinky folks at a public restaurant

Negotiation-Communication in which the parties reach agreement about goals, expectations and limits of one another

Pet-A submissive that takes on an animal persona. Their Dominant is often referred to as a Handler.

Play-To engage in a kink activity

Power Exchange-Having authority over another person often within negotiated terms within the kink community

Sadism-The enjoyment of inflicting pain and/or humiliation

Safety Call-A prearranged call to advise a friend of who and where you are meeting along with check-ins as a precaution for your well-being when meeting someone you have not developed trust with

Safe words-A predesignated word or nonverbal cue used to quickly communicate “stop” or “check in” during play

Scene-A period of time devoted to a negotiated kink activity

Slave-A submissive partner that has negotiated “being owned” by a Master

Sub/submissive-A person that consensually yields control, power or influence to another person

Switch-A person that feels comfortable on either slide of the slash in various degrees

Vanilla-An identity in which they do not regularly engage in activities they deem as kinky

Vetting-The process of assessing someone for their compatibility to play

Vouch-To confirm a person is experienced in a kink activity based on your own personal experiences with that person. This is normally only used in situations where you trust that person with your own safety and you are offering information to someone for their vetting purposes.

When My Reality Doesn’t Exist

According to definition.com, gaslighting “is to manipulate someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity”. The longer the gaslighting goes on, the more damage it does.

I’ve struggled a lot with whether or not this act is intentional. Is it possible to gaslight someone unintentionally? Our reality is based on a number of factors and it would not be the same as someone else. I have also seen on a number of occassions very clear intentional gaslighting. For the victim, it can be nearly impossible for you to figure out that it is even happening because the whole point is for you to no longer trust your experiences, abilities and/or judgement.

I watched a couple one time as partner 1 stated that the two of them had not hungout often. Partner 2 then responded with list of occassions when they had. Partner 1 then explained how that wasn’t true. I watched as partner 2’s face as they attempted to make sense of it. Why would this person lie to them? Maybe they were mistaken? In the end, they accepted partner 1’s explaination.

My own experience with gaslighting had me going to multiple doctor’s questioning my sanity. I had immense fear that I was experiencing early onset alheimerz or dementia. Doctor after doctor said I just needed more rest. So, I justified these feelings with lack of sleep as a mother and crazy work hours or pregnancy brain, trying to stamp down my fears. I found myself repeating over and over again that, “I feel like a crazy person”.

My saving grace was accepting a roommate. When I questioned my reality, they validated my experience. Honestly, if anyone feels like they are being gaslighted I highly suggest having another person around that they trust to tell them the truth. I could not trust my own reality. I worried and had suspicions that I was being gaslit, but I constantly lost my foothold as it continued.

I left that relationship and finally found my footing. I have an excellent memory and feel confident in my reality. I no longer question my sanity nor fear that I am experiencing a disorder or disease that is effecting my mind. I have found over and over again things that I believed I was terrible at that I excel in. I am more confident than I have ever felt.

There are side effects that I still struggle with though. When I first left, I constantly had to ground myself. I would focus on tangible things within the memory. I remember the cold of the countertop as I leaned my arm on it during the conversation. I remember that they sneezed after a statement they made. This helped me to feel confident in what I remembered.

I struggle at times and find that I have triggers that I am still working through. If someone states that I am remembering something that didn’t happen, I immediately withdraw and have to ground myself. Stepping back and thinking about the memory, writing down the events has been useful in gathering my thoughts and confidence in my experiences. Unfortunately, I can feel really shakey after this happens for several days until I work through that process.

Recently, I had an incident that caused me stress. I process out loud and so spoke to several friends trying to work through what was happening. The more they attempted to reassure me, the worse I felt. I find that I often ask in these situations still, “I’m not crazy for feeling or thinking this way, am I?” Attempting to seek validation that I my experiences are real. I finally able to explain that I needed validation of my reality and in doing so came to the realization that trying to reassure me by coming up with alternative explanations (which I had already done) only created additional stress that my experiences aren’t real. When I was able to voice this, my friend was able to tell me that, “based on your past experiences it makes sense for you to be concerned”. This huge wave of relief came over me. That’s what I needed to hear so badly. That I am not overreacting or making up scenarios in my head that don’t make sense.

I know that over time, I will get to a place that I no longer feel the need for outside validation. Until then, I am glad I have been a to better understand my needs. I am very grateful for a support system that is able to listen and respect where I am at on this journey.

Not so Cute

This is an opinion piece by a mother of a teenage daughter and femme presenting person that grew up in a conservative religious setting.

The movie “Cuties” has had some serious backlash. I have read numerous articles on both sides of the conversation, watched the movie several times now and researched the Senegalese culture to have a more thoughtful conversation on the movie. There are tons of spoilers in this article as it will dive into very specific images and incidents that occur within the movie.

I would like to point out that this film is rated M for Mature. It is specifically targeted towards audience members that are mature enough to discuss the topics it hits on. This mature rating is based mostly on the number of curse words used and a brief flash of nudity. The thing I find most ironic is that Netflix made the decision to use a picture that sexualized the girls. In fact, the image is of the most most sexualized part of the film It really drove the point home on the movie’s commentary on the sexualizing of girls. Netflix chose an image that portrayed the girls seductively and which they believed would get more attention which is a theme throughout the movie.

One of the first scenes in the movie is a prayer meeting of women. There it is expressed that, “women must be pious”. That there are “more women in hell than men” and “evil dwells in the bodies of uncovered women”. It’s in this framework that the main character Aminata aka Amy must make sense of her world.

I’ve read some comments stating the movie came across as anti-Muslim. Since the director was born and raised in that culture, I believe she may have been giving an honest look at its imperfections and its beauty. Auntie bragged about what a tight knit community the family had moved into. Auntie, Samba, the prayer group and the Imam all came to the family’s aid. As someone that grew up in a conservative religious setting, I really connected with the director’s story of Amy’s culture both the good and the bad.

Miriam (Amy’s mother) was obviously distressed by leaving without her husband to a new home and then him taking on another wife. She was not allowed to show this distress to others though. She called to announce to others her happiness at the second marriage which contrasted with how she felt. If you hold bias against polygamy, you are probably going to struggle with parts of this movie. She expresses concern that her husband will blame her for Amy’s behavior. The Imam later tells Miriam that women are only given enough that they can bare, and she has the right to leave the marriage. There could be a long conversation on how even if given the choice to divorce that there are many reasons why that is not actually an option often for women. At the wedding itself, she made herself beautiful, lifted her chin and supported the new marriage. I am not Muslim and don’t feel comfortable making a statement for their community. My impression was that this was a genuine view of the Senegalese culture that the director grew up in with both its strengths and its flaws. Despite its flaws, in the end Amy embraced her heritage and showed happiness with her choice.

There is so much conversation about the dancing and revealing clothing in the movie and yet no one seems to discuss the fact that Amy is still viewed as a woman multiple times by her family when she is humble and covered. She is expected to pray with the other women while her brother gets to play. He is treated as a child, while Amy must be with the women and act as one. When she menstruates both Auntie and her mother express, she is a woman now. Auntie even describes to her that she was married at Amy’s age and wishes the same for her. Amy was expected to cook the wedding meal with Auntie so she could learn to be a woman. She took care of her brothers on a regular basis and even went grocery shopping with them. These are also sexualizations of a girl. That her purpose is to bare children and marry. There is only a brief mention of Amy’s schoolwork and she is never encouraged to play. There is the constant pressure to take on the role of a woman which Amy rebels and literally runs away from. Perhaps that was part of the message at the end. Her mother said to “let her be”. Let her be a child? She did not participate in the wedding but went out and played with the other children. Finally, the pressure was gone from her friends and family and she was allowed to be a child. Is that what brought her happiness in the end? These are not aspects unique to Amy’s culture. Throughout the world including the US young girls take on roles of caretakers for their siblings along with household chores. Growing up I cared for my 2 younger siblings feeding them, helping them with school even singing them to sleep. I often made meals for our family of 5 as my single mother worked tons of hours.

The film often flip flops between scenes of innocence and childlike behavior then to incidents in which the girls are sexualized. Amy and Angelica spend an afternoon jumping on the bed, eating candy and being silly. Then they are watching a scene of the Sweety Swags dancing provocatively. Amy must share a room with her brother but is often his caretaker as well. Even while Amy teaches the other Cuties how to twerk and make seductive faces, they find themselves in a dog pile laughing and joking. The consistent misconceptions about sex are further validations that the girls are still children and ignorant of their actions. They describe an anatomical impossibility to describe rape (furthering the misinformation young women receive on sexual assault preventing them from understanding when they have been assaulted). Coumba says it best, “it isn’t my fault I didn’t know what it was” when she locates a condom. She is then shamed for her ignorance and left fearful of contracting AIDS or cancer.

One of the more interesting depictions that I found was that nearly all the incidents of Amy’s trauma came from herself or other femme people in her environment. She is bullied by the friend group on multiple occasions and assaulted when the rock is thrown at her. They criticize her body creating her obsession with other women’s bodies particularly their butts (a hint at body dysmorphia many girls experience in their teens). Body dysphoria is seen again when she hears Yasmine vomiting in the bathroom when earlier in the film she was told by other members of the group to “go on a diet”. Angelica assaults Yasmine and Amy assaults a Sweety Swag member over the attention of a boy, but he does not instigate these interactions. Later on, Amy gets physical with the group when she faces their rejection and goes as far as to push Yasmine into the canal nearly drowning her to be a part of their group. Amy becomes desperate for their acceptance. The only trauma by a male in the movie is the classmate which she physically assaulted in return and both were given the same punishment from the school.

When Amy attempts to seduce Samba, he completely rejects her. Her father was absent throughout the film beyond a phone call where he seems perplexed why she won’t respond to him. Amy pushes him away as a source of pain although its unclear how much of it is based on her own pain and how much she felt resentful of the pain he caused her mother. The male schoolteachers were aloof other than breaking up a fight. They never reprimand the girls for their clothing or behavior. The males closer to her age dismiss her and her friend group as children throughout most of the movie. The security guard calls out the other one making creepy eyes at Amy dancing. The Imam that comes to see her is compassionate. He sat down next to her and asked how she was doing. He stated that there was nothing wrong with her. That seemed to be a very important moment in the film. That this man declared that she was being a normal 11-year-old girl. After this interaction, Miriam changed her behavior towards her daughter.

Throughout the film, Amy is copying other women in her life trying to find her identity. Amy irons her hair and attacks another girl like she saw Angelica behave, she dresses like the Sweety Swags with a crop top, copies dance moves from other women dance videos and even copies her mother during prayer meetings. Amy is constantly trying to mimic the other femme people she is exposed to in order to find her own identity. When Miriam learns of Amy’s behavior she repeats repeatedly, “Who are you?” The description of a coming to age story is appropriate when viewed from this lens. An integral part of children growing up is to mimic those around them. Where is that line though? What is considered healthy for a child? When children copy curse words at a young age they are often met with laughter, but as they get older, they are met with punishment. What is considerate a cute outfit when they are young, becomes seductive as they get into the tweens and teens. During Amy’s “cleansing of sins” she begins to gyrate into dance moves again showing an outward expression of her inner turmoil. The ending scene shows her dance outfit and her dress side by side. Amy leaves both behind stepping away from society’s expectations on her and allowing herself to remain a child a bit longer.

A controversial scene in the movie is when Amy got pantsed. I think that it is noteworthy that although there were males present, it was femme characters that assaulted each other in this scene. This was a critical moment for Amy. Her friends were upset because Amy’s panties were children’s underwear (pointing to the fact that Amy is still a child) and that now the group wouldn’t be viewed as women, but children. Amy then takes a picture of her genitals and posts them online. She is teetering on this edge of what is expected of her when she is still a child, but has increasing pressure to be viewed as a woman. When she expressed her reasoning for posting the picture, she was then treated as a sexual deviant. The male student in her class felt entitled to touch her body. Her friends slut shamed her. They discussed how they were pressured by people online to reveal themselves and blamed Amy for the online comments.

Lets finally discuss the dancing. The Cuties spent the movie mimicking an older girl group the Sweety Swags. They envied the attention the other girls received. The Sweety Swags attended the same school as the Cuties indicating a small age gap. Although the movie follows the Cuties, the Sweety Swags seemed to be experiencing the same pressures. In a dance video by the Sweety Swags, a girl had a “Janet Jackson” moment and her breast was revealed. This may have influenced Amy’s decision later on to expose herself. Angelica accepted the “nip slip” and did not criticize it. In fact, Amy commented on how many likes the video received. Often the dancing by the group is awkward, and it is obvious that despite their moves the girls do not understand what they are doing. My favorite being the finger in the mouth which becomes a constant move of theirs while coming across as awkwardly cringey every time. I remember kids mimicking the MTV videos and by middle school the dances were filled with kids “bumping and grinding” not knowing what they were doing. This is apparent when Amy dances for the security guard. It is obvious as an adult that his demeanor changed, but the girls are oblivious to his creepy attention. Many people have commented on the close-up shots of the girls dancing. Its these takes of the girls dancing awkwardly that really convey the uncomfortableness of the sexualization of these girls. They didn’t make these shots to be something enjoyable for the audience. They made them feel gross. If the viewer did not feel that the girls were sexualized or made to feel uncomfortable by it, I believe the film would have not reached its goal.

During the dance competition you can briefly see that there are other girls wearing revealing clothing and exhibiting provocative moves. When the Cuties dance, the judges for the dance competition seem quite happy with the performance while the parents are dramatically appalled. This is a critique on the dance community. Young girls are often taught to mimic seductive routines and wear revealing clothing for dance competitions. Yet that behavior outside of dance is considered inappropriate. The question that is often asked of children’s extra curriculars, where is the line? Whether we are discussing dance, sports, modeling, etc. that question is a constant regarding children. At which point are we expecting them to act like adults and treating them as children at the same time.

A common theme throughout is the girls need for attention. Amy makes the bed for her mother and decorates it, but her mother throws everything off leaving Amy feeling ignored and not valued. Her mother is rarely home as Amy takes on large portions of the household chores and care of her siblings. Amy then seeks the attention of a group of girls that constantly pressure her to do things that she is uncomfortable with for the sake of attention on social media or by males. Angelica says it best when she tells Amy that all she really wants is her parents to pay attention to her and think that she is good. The girls have easy access to pornography online and even attempt to sext with a boy while a parent is oblivious in the next room. The girls feel compelled to receive attention this way. On social media they were obsessed with how many likes they get. When they earnestly wanted the attention of their own parents.

I hope to read a ton of in-depth papers on the many layers of this film. This short amateur review cannot do it justice. There are so many points I just don’t have fully developed thoughts on yet. I hope that I have helped others to see this film as the commentary of a young girl’s journey to escape the pressures of being a woman. A film by a woman discussing the difficulties of women in the world should not be villainized. We should allow this to open the door for conversations with each other and our daughters. I would love to hear other thoughts on what they got from it.

I highly recommend viewing this video of the director explaining why she made the movie.

Kids are People too

I have several children between the ages of 6 and 16. Over the years I’ve had a number of responses to them by people in my life. Some have shown complete discontent at their presence and others have accepted them without question as a welcome addition to their lives. Most interactions have fallen somewhere in between.

Talking to other parents, watching my children grow and experiencing these reactions to them, I have come to the conclusion that as adults we often forget that children are people too. Children create unique relationships, have their own set of boundaries and have unique needs. They are not an extension of their parents.

When we introduce children to new people, they are going to create unique bonds with them. One child may immediately connect while another wants nothing to do with that person. This is ok. They shouldn’t be forced to interact with people they feel uncomfortable with. Let them decide how to approach a new person. Let them figure out what works best for them.

When my children meet someone new, I try to interfere as little as possible in that relationship. The individuals involved should be the ones to set boundaries and decide what that looks like. I don’t decide the label the children apply to that person. They figure it out on their own together. I have had one child consider a partner a brother while the other considered them more a caretaker. I have had a child interact very little with a partner while another considered them another parent. It is important that they decide together what works best for them.

This article gives some tips on how to help children overcome normal stranger anxiety.

https://raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/behaviour/common-concerns/fear-of-strangers

The article fails to mention allowing children, even small children to have their boundaries respected. These boundaries are unique to each child. If they say “stop” or “no”, the action should stop. Don’t assume that because a parent is ok with a behavior that a child must be as well or that siblings all have the same boundaries. This article discusses how to respect and reinforce boundaries for children.

https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/blog/teaching-kids-about-healthy-boundaries

We often discuss boundaries with children on asking for hugs before giving them, but children can have just as many boundaries as adults. My younger child likes having safe spaces, such as a box or blanket fort. I encourage them processing their feelings there when they feel overwhelmed. They do not want people in their safe spaces with them. My older child does not want people messing with their hair. Another child wants to have a knock on the door before entering the room and to have the ability to opt out of group activities. Children rarely express these needs in an obvious way. As adults we should pay attention to their reactions and talk to them about how they feel. We can help them to become self aware and confident in reinforcing these boundaries in all their relationships.

My biggest pet peeve is when someone gets upset with a parent and then ghosts the children too. The child is not an extension of the parent. They have their own relationships and they have their own feelings. Children feel the loss of a friend or someone they considered a caretaker in their life. I rarely cut people out of my children’s life even if someone has been hurtful to me. When I have made that decision, I discussed it with my child why it was necessary. Feelings of abandonment and rejection can impact how children view and respond to relationships as an adult. This article discusses how abandonment can effect children, symptoms and ways to help.

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/abandonment-issues#symptoms

For those who have chosen to be in a relationship with me, regardless of it being intimate or otherwise, it is important to understand that my children are a responsibility in my life. Just like caring for a disabled parent or having a job, they require time, energy and resources. Because they are not able to care for themselves their need is greater than an adult in my life. They take priority because they need me to be healthy individuals. That obviously is more important than others that want me. My relationship with them is something that I invest into on a regular basis just as I do with others that are important in my life. I don’t feel that they are the most important thing in my life, but they do take priority because I take my responsibility to guide and care for them very seriously.

Each child has unique needs with their relationships as well. Beyond basic needs of food and shelter, they have their own ways of feeling loved and valued. My youngest child is all about receiving gifts. My oldest needs physical touch. The 5 Love Languages has quizzes for children as well.

Quizzes

Being with me means you potentially become involved in multiple relationships at once. When we discuss the idea of being polysaturated, having the most relationships possible in regards to our time, energy and resources; we must include our children. They are relationships that we maintain as well. Those involved with us should take into consideration what their abilities are to take on that many metamours at once. Depending on how involved in my life you are, you may interact with my children on regular basis. If that makes you uncomfortable then you will probably get less time. I have plenty of relationships that don’t interact with my children, but they get less time because of it. I don’t fault anyone for not wanting to take that on.

I spent too many years around those that felt my children were an inconvenience and treated them as though they were an impediment to getting what they wanted from me. I appreciate when people are willing to take the time to connect with my children and potentially become friends with them. That they recognize them as individuals on their own and are considerate of their needs and feelings. This is a need that I have in my relationships with others.

Wax Safety

I have several years of wax play with dozens of scenes including candles, pours and painting. Wax play is a huge passion of mine and I love sharing my knowledge and learning from others. I find wax play to be a creative outlet and an opportunity to create a unique experience for those I play with.

I love that I can use wax as a medium for my art, mixing kinky with creative. I also enjoy that wax can be used as a scene all to itself, a portion of a scene or even as aftercare. Wax can be warm and comforting or hot and sadistic. It can be sensual or cruel. Wax is easy enough for beginners to use, but versatile for experts to still get great joy from using it.

Danger! Danger!

Wax play is inherently dangerous. There is a heat source that can create it’s own dangers whether it is a burn from the crockpot or dangers of starting a fire from a flame. The wax itself is often the biggest concern. You are applying a hot liquid to the skin. Understanding how different types of wax melt and how it interacts with the body will help to create positive experiences for you and your play partners.

Dangers of wax play: whatever you are wearing will get wax in it and although the wax is at an appropriate temp your equipment gets hot. Burn courtesy of the crockpot my leg kept bumping into during my performance.

When considering a wax scene there are some items you’ll want on hand for wax safety. Your goal should always be to avoid burns, but it is best to be prepared should they occur.

Fire extinguisher or a way to extinguish fire if this is your heat source
Rag in water – multiple
Burn cream / salve for active burns
Aloe for after the burn cools

When choosing your wax you’ll need to take some risk factors into consideration. Make sure that you discuss these factors with your partner.

Scented candles can trigger asthma attacks or aggravate those with respiratory conditions. Ask before you use.
Be careful of allergies (scents, wax, additives)
In negotiations, it is important to talk about injury; who may be responsible for medical bills should an incident happen.
Be careful to avoid additives in candles- dyes, scents, metallic and stearin are all added into candles and can greatly INCREASE the melting and heating temperature of wax so make sure you know the wax you are using!
There is mixed opinion on “safety candles” Some of these are safety because they are low temp and others are safety for long burning. The long burning ones are usually high temp and should be avoided.

You’ll want to avoid most store bought scented candles. The additives create a much higher melt point and the chemicals used for scents are known for causing adverse reactions. Some people have allergic reactions to soy, coconut and paraffin waxes. Talk to your bottom about their allergies. If you use a scented wax the fragrance can cause an allergic reaction to the skin. Sometimes it is the chemical used and sometimes they are allergic to the source of the essential oil. Lavender essential oils are common fragrance additives that are also common allergens. If your partner is unsure of their sensitivity to these products, testing a small amount to the skin and waiting 15-20 minutes before applying large amounts is a good rule of thumb for new partners.

It’s Getting Hot in Here

IMPORTANT: Hot wax that is left to pool in dips on the body can cause serious burns, even if the initial temperature is acceptable to touch. Pay attention to where the wax is flowing and pooling. Common areas include the belly button, small of the back, base of the throat and groin areas depending on the position the bottom is in.

Different Types of Wax =

Generally safe wax
Natural Soy- melts at 120℉
Pure Paraffin- melts at 135℉ (debated, melting ranges 110-154)
Paraffin oil mix- estimated melts at 110℉
Coconut wax- melts at 100℉ (but usually mixed with additives so be careful)
NEVER safe wax
Bees wax- melts at 145℉
Gel wax – varies, some melt as high as 170℉

Wax temps do vary depending on where you get your information and your wax. Many commercial waxes do not provide melt temperatures as they are not made for use on the skin. I have even purchased commercially made sensual candles for wax play that did not provide the type or wax, nor the melting temperatures. Most temperatures that are listed are from candles. If you use a continuous heat source, such as a crock pot, you can continue to heat any wax to burn temperatures and possibly up to its gaseous point. Handmade play waxes will include approximate melt temperatures. These are not the most accurate and should be considered a suggestion not a fact. Many sensual waxes have added oils to lower the melting temperature of the wax.

Drip, Drop, Drip, Drop

Candles react differently than just using containers of wax. It is best to light the candle ahead of time and watch the wick. Some wicks contain meta and will spark. These should be avoided. Specks of hot metal on the skin will cause intense burns and mixed with the wax create higher temperatures. Never use waxes that have glitter. Glitter is commonly made from small specks of metal.

Pillar candles will allow pooling before the wax is dripped, unlike taper candles that only drip as fast as the wick burns. There are also inverse taper candles, where the wick is at the large end. These are normally made for use with rope, as they can be tucked in between the rope and allowed to drip onto the bottom. Birthday candles should be avoided as they have plastic additives and burn at very high temperatures. Crayons are commonly used to drip wax, color wax or even draw on the skin. Crayola brand crayons are the best for this purpose. Other brands, especially the cheaper use plastics in the mixture making them unsafe.

Additives such are stearine are used in free standing candles such as tapers. This hardens the wax allowing it to keep its form, but can also increase the temperatures. Always test out the wax on yourself before applying it to someone else.

Many homemade waxes use powdered cosmetic dyes to color the wax. The powder does not adhere to the wax, pooling at the bottom. The closer to the bottom you get, the hotter the wax gets. Make sure to purchase waxes that use wax dyes only. You can request the information from the seller or if you view the wax, you’ll see the color concentrated at the bottom instead of evenly distributed. This is especially true of UV/blacklight wax.

The Naughty Bits

Things you’ll want to consider when preparing for a wax scene:

Make sure you have something under your partner. If you are using massage oil wax a towel is sufficient. If you are using standard play wax, you’ll want something less permeable such as a shower curtain or painters tarp. They are good for a few uses and can be tossed.

Only wear what you are willing to sacrifice to the wax gods. Don’t put items covered in wax in the laundry. Wax adheres to pipes and clogs the drain. It will also melt to the side of the dryer and spread to other clothing. You can place a paper towel over the wax spot and use a hot iron to melt it. This is very helpful when it lands on carpeting.

If you are using a flame, make sure that dangly bits like curtains, hair, rope, etc are put up and out of the way. Fans can effect flames and melted wax unpredictably. It is best to point these away from the scene space. Many waxes stick to hair. Choose a wax that says it is safe to use on hair or if your partner is comfortable, they can shave the area. Plastic wrap or baby oil can also be used as a barrier. Wrapping someone can increase their core temperature, so please read up on the safety concerns before attempting. Piercings can be covered with medical tape or bandages. It can be difficult to remove wax from them. You’ll need to be mindful that wax is likely to cling to the coverings creating a hotspot.

Whenever playing with a new partner or trying a new skill, it is imperative to communicate. The first time hot wax is applied to the skin it creates an auto response. The brain yells, “hot, hot” and the body pulls away from the source of danger. I always let partners know that this is a normal reaction, so they can prepare for it. Encouraging them to breathe slowly through that initial response allows the brain to catch up and recognize that the body is not in danger.

Check in with your partner regularly throughout. Heat sensitivity will be different on different parts of the body. I have a partner that is less tolerant between their shoulder blades. I don’t apply wax directly to that area without allowing it to cool further than I would for other parts of their body. Menstrual cycles can effect the tolerance for heat as well. Short periods between applications or previous trauma to the skin, such as impact, will also increase sensitivity. Many experienced wax artists will apply a layers of wax. Allowing periods of cooling in between is important as the heat will build up. Be aware that different people have different tolerances. Various play partners will not enjoy the same temperatures or applications. Do not apply wax to the face.

Different tools create different experiences. Get creative. Many people ladle wax on, some drip it and others paint. There are so many great options! The more distance between the body and the source are, the cooler the wax will be when it reaches the skin. It is best to start at least 12 inches away and move higher or lower to adjust the temperature or take a break until it cools further. Melted wax is a liquid and it will splash. Be mindful of where it might land on your partner or on your furniture. If you are using a candle, rotate it to avoid burning down one side and preventing soot. Make sure to keep the flame away from the skin. This is wax play, not fire play.

The Big Finish

Now that we have had the pleasure of our wax scene, its time to consider how to remove it. There are many options to increase and prolong the pleasure.

Applying ice to a hard wax can help to cool it and make it easier to remove. Hard waxes are often removed using a plastic card. If negotiated, knife play can be a good transition and continue the scene. Add a little extra fun by placing it ice water or the freezer. Hard wax can also be removed through flogging.

Softer waxes can be scraped off in a similar fashion to hard wax or if you are using the my wax blend, you can peel it off. Don’t apply ice to soy wax. It creates a mushy mess that is very difficult to clean up. Soft waxes stick to implements, so knives will need to be cleaned periodically during removal and floggers should be avoided. A textured glove can be rubbed across the body to remove small particles.

After the wax is removed, a gentle massage can make for great aftercare. It is normal for the skin to be red and hot afterwards. It make take on a sunburn appearance. You can moisturize with allow or sunburn cream. Make sure to provide plenty of hydration avoiding caffeinated drinks and alcohol immediately afterwards. Keep a blanket handy. The temperature changes may cause chills. I have found that naps are common during wax play and afterwards.

Even when we do our best, burns may occur for a variety of reasons. If this happens, make sure to reassure your partner. Most burns will be first-degree or possibly second-degree. Third-degree burns are very rare with wax play if partners have taken time to educate themselves on the subject.

First-degree burns are considered mild compared to other burns. They result in pain and reddening of the epidermis (outer layer of the skin).
Second-degree burns affect the epidermis and the dermis (lower layer of skin). They cause pain, redness, swelling, and blistering.
Third-degree burns go through the dermis and affect deeper tissues. They result in white or blackened, charred skin that might be numb.

Close-ups of the layers of skin, fat, and muscles impacted by 1st degree through 4th degree burns.

First and second-degree burns can be treated by running cool water over them. Pain reliever such as ibuprofen can be used as needed. Burn creams can be used, but it is best to cool the area first before applying. Third-degree burns should be treated by medical professionals. They have a high risk of infection.

Wax play can be a great opportunity for connecting with partners and expressing your creativity. Taking the time to learn about the risks will decrease the potential for a negative experience. As a beginner or an expert there are many ways to enjoy wax.

Play Safe and Have Fun!

Encaustic Sensual Wax

Encaustic is the art of painting with wax. Beeswax is normally the medium used, which is poured onto a surface such as wood. The wax can be manipulated through pours and tools to shape beautifully intricate designs.

Wax play in the kink world can vary greatly. There is the simple drip, drip, drip of a candle. The tease of expectancy for when and where the next dollop of heat will land. Then there is the pour. This is used with ladles and cups. Layers of wax slowly poured across the body. Reacting to curves and valleys of the unique form. The wax play I love the most though is wax art. The Top artistically applies the wax to create images or vivid designs. It isn’t just about creating a feeling or fantasy for the bottom. Its about the art. The body becomes your canvas. The bottom is entwined in the art.

This type of wax play is one part encaustic and one part body painting. Paraffin is the preferred medium as beeswax melts at temperatures that easily cause burns on skin. Soy wax is sometimes used, but it is often too soft to manipulate well and doesn’t hold colors as vibrantly. The consistency of the wax is unique to the artist. Some prefer a hard wax that chips away, while others go with a softer wax that is similar to that used in spa treatments. There is a wide variety of technique and preferred art style. Many create pictures using drips, pours or even paint brushes. Others allow the wax to pour over parts of the body mixing colors and placement for a design that is dependent on the body and how the artist utilizes it.

The following images are used with permission.

Poured UV reactive paraffin wax by EncausticSensualWax during a performance @thefreakshowchs Artist: LovinD canvas: Kcazm photographer: @rookbarber

UV candle melt Artist: robertbabylon canvas: Lolly-pop Check out more of his work **http://www.robertbabylon.com**

Poured paraffin wax by EncausticSensualWax Artist: LovinD canvas: anonymous

Dotted wax by EncausticSensualWax using a paintbrush. Acrylic paint creates the silhouette. Artist: LovinD canvas: anonymous

Painted wax by EncausticSensualWax Artist: LovinD canvas: anonymous

Painted wax by EncausticSensualWax Artist: LovinD canvas: Giggles_4u

Safety is a always a consideration during wax play. Being knowledgeable about the types of wax used is vital. Soy and wax melt within temperatures that are safe for skin use. The longer these heat the hotter they get and are not a guarantee against burns. Testing wax on the inside of the wrist before applying it to your canvas helps to monitor temperature as you move through the scene and apply different colors. The use of candles have several considerations. Candles often have additives that increase melt temperatures. The flame itself can cause burns and has to be monitored around other items that are flammable. The further the source of the wax is away from the skin the more heat is lost before contact.

Incorporating the encaustic art style within wax play has created unique artwork that may only be found within the kink community. It’s incorporation of the body allows the bottom or model to be a part of the process. They are a vital part of the art piece itself. Check out your local kinky artists for more examples of encaustic sensual wax play.

Drama and the Community

Drama is a state, situation or series of events involving interesting or intense conflict of forces. It may also be views expressed by people who are bored or those who seek attention. Drama does not need to be bad, but that is often how we perceive it. Determining the intent behind the conflict can be tricky, but often informs us on how to deal with a situation. There will ALWAYS be conflict in a community.

If drama is not informing us of information that helps anyone then it is probably attention seeking. It is also good to put a caution flag on the person that is causing it. If this becomes a pattern of behavior then it may be time to disassociate yourself from them. If drama is informing us of hazards or potential risks to ourselves or those we care about then this should not be viewed as a negative. My experience with this type of drama is when someone attempts to inform others about a predator within the community.

I have been faced with a series of conflicts since involving myself in both the kink and polyamorous communities. While having a discussion with a friend today, I started to ponder how to handle these situations.

How should the individual respond to these situations?

If you feel safe to do so, say something to the perpetrator.

Setting clear boundaries and expectations with the individual may resolve the issue quickly. “Do not pull my hair.” “I expect you to ask me before touching me.” “No, I am not ok sharing my phone number.”

If you do not feel safe speaking to the perpetrator, talk to the host.

If need be contact them after the event. Give them facts first. “This person would not stop asking me to friend them on social media even though I said no.” You are welcome to describe how you feel, but feelings are not the responsibility of others. It is also difficult for others to determine the best way to handle a situation if they only have feelings to go on. As a community leader I am able to grasp the situation much better if I am told, “Greg has contacted me outside of community events even though I did not give him my personal information”, the “Greg is really creeping me out”. I know it can be hard to find the words at times. Sometimes writing them out is useful.

Recognize that this event may not be a safe space.

As much as we want to be a part of a community, if you are not happy with how a situation was handled it is ok to not participate in that space. If you are in an area with other groups, try a new one. If you have the resources to make your own event, create a space to welcome others.

If the behavior continues, block them. If they persist contact your local law enforcement agency and file a harassment report. It can be scary to get the police involved, but it can be much more harrowing to allow someone to control aspects of your life and to not respect boundaries. Do not tell yourself this person will go away. These events can escalate quickly. Protect yourself. DO NOT remain quiet.

This is a link to the National Coalition For Sexual Freedom “Dealing with Assault – understand your rights and options when it comes to consent violations” https://ncsfreedom.org/component/k2/item/792

How should we as a community respond?

Racist, homophobic, sexist, transphobic, consent violations should be called out. I believe there is a moral imperative to confront when abuse occurs. If I feel the need to “call someone out” publicly it is because I have first hand knowledge of the harm they have caused to many people that I have become exposed to. If I have “called someone out” publicly then rest assured I have already had private conversations with that person about their behavior. “Calling people out” puts the spotlight on abusive behavior and is now the recommended way to deal with these situations. Additional information on this can be found in my outline for Domestic Abuse Our silence prevents people from growing and allows these behaviors to continue. That being said, it is not our responsibility as individuals or as a community to rehabilitate anyone. Abusive behavior should be dealt with by trained professionals.

Listen

Listen to what is being said. Mull it over. Is the information provided only attempting to cause harm or is it informing me of a hazard? Look up additional information to inform yourself on the topic. THEN decide if a response is necessary. There are plenty of times when the best course of action is to not say anything at all. If 2 people have a conflict, why add a 3rd? Remember drama is an intense conflict. You can be aware of the conflict without taking part in it.

Respond

Sometimes it is best that we respond. I have found myself in this position when advocating for others. As a man, white, cis gendered, straight individual you may hold privilege that can be used to amplify what someone else is saying. It is not our job to be their voice, but to say, “Hey, Lisa makes a great point.” Then let Lisa do all the talking.

I had a situation where I viewed an individual ignore boundaries for newbie femme presenting people at an event. I also heard from others that they had the same experience. Despite repeated confrontations the behavior continued and escalated. I used my voice to inform the host of the behavior and assist in advocating for those involved with their consent.

Here are some Do’s and Dont’s from The Consent Academy for when you find a posting about a consent violation online

https://www.consent.academy/educator-blog/what-do-you-do-when-you-read-about-a-consent-violation-on-the-internet

Support

Now the hard part. If you have knowledge that a person is acting inappropriately it is important that we remove our support of that person. Sometimes the only thing we can do to create change is to provide support to those we believe are positives in our community and removing it from others that we feel are causing harmful spaces.

There is has been a lot of discussion on communities responsibilities to educate those who are accused of inappropriate behavior. Communities do not have this responsibility. They may decide to take it on if they have the resources.

If the accusation is involving a crime, it is best that the community leaves these circumstances to the police. It is the victim’s decision on whether they seek police assistance. The community can offer resources to victims for local support organizations. I offer handouts, brochures and postings with local resources so victims hopefully can access this information easily.

Once a person is charged with a crime, their arrest information is public. You can verify the incident information by pulling arrest information. This can help you decide how to move forward. I was informed of a member having a violent sexual charge. I was able to pull their local arrest information and verify that he was charged and convicted of the crime. I made the decision that they would be banned from my events.

If police are not involved, it can be very complicated to come to a decision. A serious accusation of sexual assault should not be taken lightly. Accusations of a criminal act are not creating drama. Crimes are not conflicts, but often a violation of someone’s rights.

I’m a big fan of restorative justice. It has it’s criticisms, but for small communities I believe it offers a framework to help with these dilemmas. I have used these methods in multiple conflicts. Sometimes all parties come to a resolution and sometimes they have not. I also view it as a means to understand issues facing the community and a way to help problem solve these concerns.

http://restorativejustice.org/restorative-justice/about-restorative-justice/#sthash.kXxWPNl8.dpbs

If a crime has not occurred, are we able to guide and educate the individual to correct these behaviors? Most of my experience has been when confronted with an accusation people become defensive. They reject opportunities for growth feeling that they are being targeted unfairly. After all, if they believed their behavior was improper they probably wouldn’t have been doing it in the first place. I wish I could provide a single circumstance where someone was able to put themselves in a space open to learning. I offer handouts and posted resources to those that may be accused of a violations as well. I was not my best self when I came into the kink community, but it gave me room to grow. The truth is that we are all going to fuck this up.