We have our experiences in life and those are without doubt truth. Then we meet someone that has an experience like ours, but their truth isn’t the same. There is a moment of defensiveness. How can our experiences be true if this other person didn’t have the same?
Here lies the fallacy in using our perspective as truth. Our truths are grounded in culture and life experiences. They are unique to us and although others may have similar experiences they will not have the same. Our experiences aren’t facts in the way numbers are measured. That’s why you can have different stories for the same event from various people. In that moment, although the event was the same they are not experiencing it the same.
How do you make decisions if your knowledge isn’t grounded in facts? How are we not swayed by anything that comes along or left unable to make decisions? Decision making for our lives is rarely a truth and a falsehood. We use the information we have to make a decision in the moment. It often isn’t even the “best” decision. Many of us have a process to making decisions, but others can easily look at those decisions and pick apart why that wasn’t the best. It doesn’t matter what others think though. You are the best decision maker for yourself. Even if you have made decisions that have caused you harm and hurt you are still the best decision maker for yourself. No one else can possibly understand all the variables for your life and what works for you in that moment. That’s not to say, don’t get advice from others. Gaining new perspectives is important. I often ask a minimum of three people to discuss big issues with me before deciding how to move forward.
If our truth isn’t the truth, what is the truth? From a qualitative perspective, there isn’t really an overarching truth. When we are looking at the bell curve we understand that the majority of people may have a similar experience, but again, not the same. It will be unique. It is imperative that we listen to others to gain this knowledge that we lack. I will never have the experiences of a person of color. So I read, I listen, I make sure not to dismiss their experiences. I raise their voices on topics regarding people of color. I recognize that using my experiences to understand their truth is a fallacy.
This can be applied to any situation in which someone challenges my perspective. It is important that we understand that our truths are not other’s truths. One can exist within the same space as the other and not cancel each other out. It is ok for others to have different experiences and for my experience to still be valid.
I would like to put a side note: as someone who was gaslit for nearly 2 decades, having someone challenge my reality can be very unnerving. What I use to steady myself is recognizing that the person is speaking of their experiences and not mine and that those don’t need to be the same. My truth is still my truth. What I won’t tolerate is telling me what my experiences are. When someone tries to tell me that my experiences aren’t valid, I create a lot of space from that person. I ground myself in my reality by using tactile experiences. For example: I remember this happened, because I had my hand on my coffee cup and remember how hot it was. I remember the rough feeling of the bannister as I walked down the stairs. Grounding myself in tactile memories has helped me to gain my sense of reality when I feel unsteady.
Monologue in AFOG 