According to definition.com, gaslighting “is to manipulate someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity”. The longer the gaslighting goes on, the more damage it does.
I’ve struggled a lot with whether or not this act is intentional. Is it possible to gaslight someone unintentionally? Our reality is based on a number of factors and it would not be the same as someone else. I have also seen on a number of occassions very clear intentional gaslighting. For the victim, it can be nearly impossible for you to figure out that it is even happening because the whole point is for you to no longer trust your experiences, abilities and/or judgement.
I watched a couple one time as partner 1 stated that the two of them had not hungout often. Partner 2 then responded with list of occassions when they had. Partner 1 then explained how that wasn’t true. I watched as partner 2’s face as they attempted to make sense of it. Why would this person lie to them? Maybe they were mistaken? In the end, they accepted partner 1’s explaination.
My own experience with gaslighting had me going to multiple doctor’s questioning my sanity. I had immense fear that I was experiencing early onset alheimerz or dementia. Doctor after doctor said I just needed more rest. So, I justified these feelings with lack of sleep as a mother and crazy work hours or pregnancy brain, trying to stamp down my fears. I found myself repeating over and over again that, “I feel like a crazy person”.
My saving grace was accepting a roommate. When I questioned my reality, they validated my experience. Honestly, if anyone feels like they are being gaslighted I highly suggest having another person around that they trust to tell them the truth. I could not trust my own reality. I worried and had suspicions that I was being gaslit, but I constantly lost my foothold as it continued.
I left that relationship and finally found my footing. I have an excellent memory and feel confident in my reality. I no longer question my sanity nor fear that I am experiencing a disorder or disease that is effecting my mind. I have found over and over again things that I believed I was terrible at that I excel in. I am more confident than I have ever felt.
There are side effects that I still struggle with though. When I first left, I constantly had to ground myself. I would focus on tangible things within the memory. I remember the cold of the countertop as I leaned my arm on it during the conversation. I remember that they sneezed after a statement they made. This helped me to feel confident in what I remembered.
I struggle at times and find that I have triggers that I am still working through. If someone states that I am remembering something that didn’t happen, I immediately withdraw and have to ground myself. Stepping back and thinking about the memory, writing down the events has been useful in gathering my thoughts and confidence in my experiences. Unfortunately, I can feel really shakey after this happens for several days until I work through that process.
Recently, I had an incident that caused me stress. I process out loud and so spoke to several friends trying to work through what was happening. The more they attempted to reassure me, the worse I felt. I find that I often ask in these situations still, “I’m not crazy for feeling or thinking this way, am I?” Attempting to seek validation that I my experiences are real. I finally able to explain that I needed validation of my reality and in doing so came to the realization that trying to reassure me by coming up with alternative explanations (which I had already done) only created additional stress that my experiences aren’t real. When I was able to voice this, my friend was able to tell me that, “based on your past experiences it makes sense for you to be concerned”. This huge wave of relief came over me. That’s what I needed to hear so badly. That I am not overreacting or making up scenarios in my head that don’t make sense.
I know that over time, I will get to a place that I no longer feel the need for outside validation. Until then, I am glad I have been a to better understand my needs. I am very grateful for a support system that is able to listen and respect where I am at on this journey.
Monologue in AFOG 