I was in a conversation with someone that came to me asking for advice to find a partner. I started discussing the importance of knowing yourself which they quickly dismissed as pseudo philosophies. They were confused with loving yourself (which is a different monologue) and knowing yourself. Everyone wants to jump into a relationship (raises hand guiltily) without developing skills and an understanding of themselves in order to create those relationships in a healthy way.
My polycule has a saying, “I’m sorry I learned at your expense”. We have come to recognize that in order to grow we have to make mistakes. Those “failures” or my preferred “opportunities for growth” have a cost. We may cause hurt and even harm to those we care about during this process. Taking the time to develop healthy relationship skills such as effective communication, conflict resolution and how/when to apologize can mean the difference between you throwing your hands up in failure that “relationships suck and fuck it you don’t need anyone anyway” and instead “this was a rewarding experience”.
There is a reason that many Polyamory sites have beginner guides discussing how to develop these skills. Just in case you want those resources on how to develop those skills here you go!!!
The 5 love languages changed everything for me. I highly recommend taking the love languages quiz and apology language quiz. Think about how you give love or apologize, but also look at how you prefer others give love and apologies to you. https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Polyamory Weekly is a fun podcast, but my favorite resource is their online class Kicking Poly Drama on its Ass. It consists of 5 modules: What is Drama?, Know Thyself, Communicate Early and Often, Own Your Shit and Dealing with Conflict. It’s $70 for individuals which is honestly way too expensive in my opinion, but I haven’t found anything else like it. The sections get released a few weeks apart at a time and you don’t get a reminder when they are available so you will have to keep up with it on your own. Google calendar is your friend. My favorite part is the User Manual. I have filled it out along with my partners and come together to discuss the responses. You may be able to find a free version that are similar online, but Minx and LG are experienced polyam folks and having their knowledge isn’t something you can get anywhere else. http://polyweekly.com/classes/
If you read this blog for any length of time you will hear about Multiamory. It is my favorite podcast. I binge these episodes and listen to them over and over again. I constantly pull episodes and share in my groups of with people that are looking for resources. I feel that their episodes are all meat and potatoes. They bring in research, it isn’t just about opinions. They stay to one topic and don’t try to add lots of frills and fluff. They are geeky and I really connect with that. I also love the format where it is a discussion and not a monologue. They bounce the conversation off one another bringing up new points and thoughts. The beginner’s guide is a fantastic resource for newbies and novices. Even if you feel you are an expert on Polyamory I feel you will get something out of these episodes. https://www.multiamory.com/beginners-guide
Poly.Land is a fantastic blog that Page has been developing for some time. I honestly don’t know how she comes up with so many great posts. She is one of the first places I go for resources when looking up a topic. She has another great beginner’s guide. Her negotiation on relationships is a bit more than I would expect, but she comes from a BDSM background and those relationships are more negotiated than a standard intimate relationship. I totally agree with negotiating. I just feel hers is more in depth than what most people will experience. https://poly.land/start-here/
A friend has recommended this class. It discusses codependency in 21 lessons. How to recognize it and skills for creating a healthier relationship. Most of us will have codependency tendencies or partners that do. It is a paid course. You can pay $15, $35 or $50. There is no difference in what you get for those prices. Just the level of support you want to give. I learned the hard way that creating a relationship where others depend on you for their value and happiness can destroy that person. This course is on my to do list, but I value his recommendation and will add it to this list for those interested. https://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/courses/courseoverview.cgi?cid=868&aff=&co=&fbclid=IwAR3MBODCDtoMOXpFKh0uN8RAcme5PgRmPJSKAYcnZFglUMjHB-xCswEdvr8
I hope you enjoy these resources and learn a little about yourself along the way.
Monologue in AFOG 