Most people are not self aware enough to intentionally cause harm to others through emotional abuse. They just recognize that when they treat someone a certain way it gives them the results they want. Similar to my 6 year old and his attempts at getting candy. He may try different forms of emotional manipulation, not because he is conscious of this, but because he recognizes that sometimes he is rewarded by getting what he is wanting. I am unsure how much of the population ever make it past this point in self awareness.
This is not an excuse for harm. I hear people say, “it doesn’t make sense to me” or “I don’t understand it” as though that is the requirement for respecting a request or being considerate of others. The fact is that understanding often comes after our change in behavior, not before. Sometimes we are never able to fully understand another perspective and simply trust that people are able to recognize things that cause them harm. I will never truly understand the perspective of a person of color, but I trust that their experiences are true and believe them when they communicate their needs. I don’t have to walk in another person’s shoes to recognize that they are worn and in need of repair.
If a person doesn’t reach that self awareness can the be held accountable for their actions? Yes. I hear over and over again that it was not someone’s intent to cause harm, but once you are made aware that a behavior causes harm and you choose to continue it, then it becomes your intent to cause harm. You may not understand how that behavior is harmful to others (I encourage you to Google it and not depend on others to educate you), but you are still responsible once you have been made aware.
Whether it is your intent or not, when you cause harm to others they are allowed to feel hurt and cautious towards you. You don’t need to understand their perspective and are not entitled to their explanation. When someone steps away from a relationship or tells you that your behavior was hurtful to them the next response from you should be, “Thank you”. It takes a lot of bravery for people to come to us when we have hurt them. It is easy to fall into a place of defensiveness. Take a deep breath and just tell them, “Thank you”. When you have time, consider what they are saying and assume that it is true. Again, it is easy to fall into the trap of assuming others are just trying to hurt us. If they have taken the time and energy to come to us and discuss their pain then it is likely that they are hoping to resolve this in a way that will promote healing.
Some pain can’t be healed. It is a wound that continues to hurt and cause conflict. People will stay in relationships they no longer feel safe in and continues to cause them pain. I encourage you if you are in this place to seek out professional assistance. Therapists are able to assist in helping us find the root of the issue and tackling it, rather that exhausting ourselves trying to treat symptoms. They can also help us create plans and move forward in a healthier way. They are not there to relieve your pain, but to support you as you move through it.
For those who have caused this harm, it is easy to experience anger when others decide to leave or need space because of our actions. We can feel rejected. It often triggers insecurities within us and we may lash out at others. I encourage you to seek professional help to move through this pain. Give yourself a space to have these feelings away from those they would cause more injury too. It’s ok to have these feelings. It is never okay to behave in a way that causes others harm because of those feelings. If you are able, create a plan that allows those in the relationship time and resources to work through this difficult time period. Set a date when y’all revisit the plan and adjust it as needed. This plan may not be to save the relationship. It may be to give each other time to deal with difficult emotions before starting a separation.
It is common and necessary that we seek out support when we are in pain. Be careful if those around you are encouraging you towards more harmful behavior. If they are not able to provide you support while also encouraging you towards being considerate of your partner, you may need to set boundaries on how they assist you.
Most people believe they are self aware and that becomes a blind spot. It is imperative that we listen to others when they come to us with criticism of our behavior. Not intending to cause harm is never an excuse for doing so.
If you are unsure if your current relationship is offering criticism for pain caused or has turned abusive, please check out the following resources:
https://www.verywellmind.com/identify-and-cope-with-emotional-abuse-4156673
Monologue in AFOG 