I had a supervisor that would constantly complain that there was a lack of communication. That’s it. That’s all they would say. As if saying the word communication somehow explained how to fix the issue. Communication is much more complicated than we would like to believe though. It seems easy enough. I make sounds, you make responding sounds, voila! Communication! If it was that simple though, I doubt my supervisor and countless people like them would be pulling their hair out trying to be understood.
How we communicate with others is a complex system made up of culture, vocabulary, experiences and biological factors. Take love for example. If I asked a dozen people to define love I would get a variety of answers, but in the US it is common for people to use the word love and expect others to know exactly what that means. It is normal for people to quickly learn that not being on the same page for the definition of love causes conflict. It’s interesting though that they get upset with each other that they have differing definitions instead of trying to discuss what love means to each of them and finding common ground.
So how do we communicate effectively when there are so many variables to consider? When you find yourself in an argument, make sure that you are on the same page for how words are defined. I have had partners that have found this exasperating, but honestly once we realized that we were using the same word to mean different things it helped to resolve the conflict quickly.
It’s ok to take breaks. If emotions get high or it starts to feel exhausting set a timer to come back to it in an hour or set a date to return to it another day. Focus on some self care before getting coming back together. Respect that y’all have agreed to not talk about the issue until later.
Take time to reconnect with each other. Remind each other that you still care about the other person even when y’all disagree. It is so important to reinforce the love between each other after conflicts. Focus on each other’s love languages. Part of communication is listening to the needs of your partner.
Passive communication is common. I’ll be honest, it is a pet peeve of mine. Passive communication is used as a coping mechanism for those who feel they are not safe communicating directly or is used as a way to manipulate others. For those who use passive communication, I strongly suggest working on towards direct communication. If you don’t feel like you can communicate without punishment, then that relationship should be evaluated. If you recognize that this is something you are struggling with seek out a therapist to help you. They can help you practice using direct communication in a safe setting. Please consider that passive communication makes communication more difficult. When there is an underlying meaning that someone has to guess, there will always be conflict and confusion.
This is a great resource to help work through some communication difficulties in relationships.
Monologue in AFOG 